As I was browsing the forums, I stumbled upon your story, lol. I real side that I have not read the chapters that you posted before (I quite knew) so bear with me if I ask for something that you have written before.
Firstly, I have a question concerning the diary entry on the top. -Is that a fragment of a real diary? Or maybe did the character write that?
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My world has been turned upside down. I feel as though I have fell into the rabbit's hole (…)
Times, those horrible little things. ‘Have fell’ makes no sense. -’Have faller’, maybe?
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The rabbit of this story, though seems to be black.
You should change the sentence, because it isn’t correct. Maybe ‘The rabbit seems to be black, though.’ -That’s just a suggestion, though.
Uhm… To the whole entry… ‘Alice is nowhere near to catch me’ and ‘the rabbit seems to be black’… Maybe you should expand that text a bit, because… Oh, I don’t know why. I mean, I get what you wanted to say, but just barely (Sighs* -Maybe its just me…)
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He wore a Dark tunic
Small ‘d’ here. It is also not clear who wore the dark tunic, maybe you should write somethink like ‘He saw a boy who (…)’ -Again, just a suggestion.
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The snowflakes falling slowly
‘The falling slowly snowflakes’ would be better, I think.
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The snowflakes falling slowly made it look as though the boy actually had cut it out of the sky and tailored it into a cloak
Also, you use ‘cloak’ to times. Try using a synonym here
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and are you an elf?
The ‘and’ starts with a capital. Please don’t begin sentences with ‘and’, though I suppose that if its in a dialogue I could leave off…
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The boy leaned against a stump, they were not where Tairen last remembered being.
Make two sentences out of that one. Again: times are not right (wouldn’t it be easier if you wrote in past? Aslo, I don’t really understand this sentence: what’s not there His temples?
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You must be the one that made that fox follow me!
You must be the one ‘who’ (…)
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Anyways the elves are not the ones who make the animals do things.
This sentence is somehow not correct. Change it to make it sensible, and add a comma after “anyways’ if you really want to have that.
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The played with a chain around his neck, the only thing besides his skin that was not black.
I think you wanted to write ‘he’ here. The time is also not correct. Next, how can the reader know what the boy is playing with if he pulls it out in the next sentence?
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"I see." Tairen said, the sun creaching further up into the sky, its rays almost breaking the horizon.
Creaching is not a word. The part about the sun should be in a separate sentence.
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Therigan?! How do you know about my father? Who is this Ezlimora you speak of? If my father has found another woman I will take his head. He should not have forgotten about my mother!"
Melodramatics, ah, melodramatics… Take the head of his father? Wow
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I vowed i would not rest until I avenged her.
Capital ‘I’
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He growled loudly, His cloak seming as though to get tighter and tighter
‘His’ in small letters, and ‘seeming’ not ‘seming’.
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(…) almost not believing his eyes.
I don’t like that phrase -’almost not believing his eyes?’
Okay, so that it. Most of the mistakes corrected, I think. Generally, I liked your story, even if at times it was a bit melodramatic. The dialogues were nice, but I had a feeling that sometimes they were a bit awkward. I suggest that you add a bit more description and that you reread some of your dialogues to improve them a bit. You had a nice idea, I think that this story had a potential.
Another thing: I don't really get the connection between the journal entry and the stroy itself.
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