These monsters in my house
under the blouse
hidden on my floor
next to my bed.
Reach to get me
I know it can't be
THere everywhere
I can here them
saying "They'll get me"
Long sharp claws
Furry nasty paws
Grabs my hands and pulling me under
I wish I could scream
and make it seem
that teh noises I hear is only the thunder
But thunder doesn't laugh
Or hiss like a cat
Or fly on brooms
and go bump in the night.
I know he's here
whispering in my ear
"You've died of such a terrible fright"
His scithe gleams above my head in the pale moonlight
A skinless face smiles
all the while
I'm so afraid I'm sweating blood.
My pillow turns red
because of my head
I wish that I never went to bed.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,011 Literary Works • 672,841 Reviews
I think it was a very intriging poem, but there was alot of typos. good job!:)
This was good, i liked it
It's creepy like, but i like it all the same.
x
It is freakashly cool.
The flow was really good until you reached the part:
'His scithe gleams above my head in the pale moonlight'
That breaks the flow.
Overall I enjouyed it.
this was creepily enjoyable (if thats a word)
i liked it
but someplaces rime and some dont, and has no solid structure, but hey, im no poet and not sure if it should be like that.
it reminds me of my poem a little.
vince
Proof-read. There are quite some silly mistakes here
It's rather bland/childish/singular. It seems pretty interesting, but is rather drag. I'd dump the rhyming. The ending is good; what a start! Will be looking for more.
-Evang.
I liked the poem, but the use of referring to monsters in poems is used a lot and I've read so many, that it gets boring. Maybe you could add some more twists and turns to make it more interesting, like, the child's parents could be the monsters, or even the child itself?
Hmm.. Nice structure and flow to it though, but I'm not sure about the punctuation - I can't really quote on this because my own is awful, but perhaps read on of the guides to help you.
Good work, and happy writing.
This was really nice in the beggining when everything resembled a metaphor but afterwords I think you became too close to the monster subject. If you added more similies then this could turn into something a little more subtle and others could relate more. I got your point,don't get me wrong, I just want to make sure that you make as many connections with the other readers as possible and giving this poem a broader range of possibilities will really do that. Maybe you can just try that out and PM me so I know when it's posted, then I'll review that one and see if it began working.
Otherwise, very strong feelings, nice passionate lines, though they could use more complex and descriptive words. All around a nice border that just needs a little work. You also have some minor spelling errors that can easily be fixed with a run through spellcheck and then I think this poem will catch everyones eyes. Really nice subject to work off of.
Keep it up!
-Rieda