This was a poem I thought up when I saw a smashed robin's egg on my way home from school.
Please mangle it, I have no idea how to do poetry.
T 'was one fateful fall day,
I was out for a walk,
When I stumbled upon
One of Nature's small treasures:
An egg.
The egg was not that
Of raven or drake,
Or sparrow, or swallow,
Or of twittering finch,
Or swan.
T 'was an robin's egg,
So gently dappled, and palely blue,
That there on the ground,
Lay broken and
Slightly sad.
I crouched down slowly
To examine my find,
But dared not to touch it,
For the fragile remains were slightly
Forbidding.
I could not help but wonder
What a sign like this meant.
Was it the cadaverous remains of something horrific?
Or a tale of bonds broken, and of prolific
Freedom?
It could be that the world
Was not kind to this egg
And chose to dash it about on the rocks
Before that inside had a chance
To live.
Then I caught myself feeling
A bit sad and depressed,
For my mind was pondering,
"Could it be, that a bird has
A soul?"
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Canary word: Present
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I was amazed by this poem. It got me thinking a lot. Like is the world so cruel it darts out something so innocent and beautiful? Anyway, I really enjoyed this poem. Keep up your good work. I love the title also.
This is pretty much exactly what I think whenever I see a robin's egg cracked open on the ground. Pretty cool poem.
With that said, there are some parts that contrast poorly, like "Then I caught myself feeling A bit sad and depressed,". "A bit" seems too slangy for inclusion among the other words you've chosen, like "So gently dappled, and palely blue,". With that said, words like "T'was" are perhaps too antique or formal for this poem.
Speaking of "palely", though it is also used to mean the area enclosed by a fence, it can mean exactly what it looks like it should mean too, according to the dictionary, so you're good there.
I do agree with Kamas on another thing though, and that's that I am quite relieved to not find yet another emo poem in Dramatic Poetry by yet another person who doesn't quite get what dramatic poetry is and thinks that anyone cares about their cookie-cutter poems. Congratulations. :D
~Aet
Hey there.
Or if it is, it is more likely to be referred to as a picket fence rather then a complexion. Check your words.
Well, this isn't a strong poem in my books. It's cute, yes. But good consistent poetry? Not really. It's a good start though, you just need a little experience and you'll be on your way.
On thing that bothered me was the language you used. Things like t'was belong to old fashion poetry. I'm not sure this is old fashioned.
Also, palely isn't a real word last time I checked
I'm relieved though to not find another depression poem. Tip of the hat to you for being creative. Keep writing.
Kamas
Hey there!
I actually thought this was a pretty cute poem. My favourite stanza was:
I especially love the last line. It's simple, but sounds so effective and ... sad. It's lovely, really. Thing is, this line seems to have the perfect balance of poetic feeling, whereas a lot of your other lines sound too much like broken up prose for my liking.
What I would say is that not all of the first words of a line need to be capitalized. Just follow the rules of prose and you'll be fine!
But this was great. You said you aren't a poet, but you've done an awesome job!
~Amy
Second stanza I don't like how you repeat Or so many times. You shoud lessen it.
Wow, I really liked this. The ending hit me pretty well. I love how it goes from ohh look what I found to these ideas and emotions. I also like how you describe those emotions through the egg and not yourself. And I loved the ending. I loved the poem.
I honestly can't find something wrong other than the "Or"'s in the second stanza.
Good job, please keep writing.
Silented1.
No problem
Happy to help! PM me if you would like any more reviews. I would like to read some of your other works!
Thanks, captain.classy. I'm not a poet, obviously, so I appreciate anything that will make my poetry better.
Hiya! I saw this had no reviews so I had to comment!
So, you executed this idea very well. It is clear you are writing of a smashed up egg. One thing I might suggest when you submit a story or a poem is not to talk about the meaning before or after your poem. Let the reader figure out what you are trying to talk about.
This piece was alright. It didn't sound like much of a poem, but more as a broken up paragraph. You need to put more symbolism and meaning into this. Right now it really just sounds like you are describing an event to your friends or something. Hope it helped.
~Classy