Published December 7, 2009
A haiku.
Why do you hate me?
Glaring at me with those eyes?
Have I done you wrong?
I appreciate any feedback.
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Hi there.
I would try to do several haikus, rather then just one. Because I personally find these three lines rather boring. There is no story, no language that can capture our imagination.
I find that this kind of shortness always ends up falling flat and leaving a disappointed reader. Make a collection of them that are linked to one another to create a strong, consistent idea.
Keep writing,
Kamas
Hey there!
So, my problem here is that you've attempted to put a rather large subject of a poem, complete with question and all, into a very small poetic format. Now, I like haikus, but if you're going to write about this I feel like you need to do it justice. It needs to be expanded on, and you can't do that with such a small poem. Maybe you could take the central theme of your haiku and use the emotions from that to write another haiku. That way you focus on emotions rather than a story, which would compliment a haiku much better.
~Amy
Yeah, well in my defense poetry is supposed to leave you hanging, isn't it? You're supposed to think about it. Sometimes the best way to get attention is the title, and a short poem can convey something really effectively. I just felt like doing a haiku because I don't see a lot of those on this site.
The poem is too short and didn't really give out the emotion I think you wanted to convey. It left me hanging because the title really caught my attention.
Is this meant to be a question if so it doesn't make much sense, maybe it would be better as
'Glaring at me with those eyes,
Have I done you wrong?'
Apart from that it is a good poem. I always find it hard to keep to the haiku set up so props for that.
Nice work!
Ah, OK sorry.
Haha, that wasn't very clear of me. I know yours is 5 7 5; what I was saying is, yes, that means it is a haiku technically, but typically haikus are used to describe a scene in nature, as fitting anything else meaningful into that structure is quite difficult, and I suggested that a different structure (or none) might be better for your poem. Of course it's totally your call.
Sorry for the misunderstanding.
This haiku IS 5-7-5 actually.
Hey blackpencil.
So, haikus are awesome, and technically they only have to be 5 7 5. But usually, they're about a scene in nature, and I think this is because it's hard to fit much else into that structure. In your case, I feel like you have a lot more to say but are hindered by the syllable limitations. Try writing about the same thing but more of it. Plus that way you can use fun things like imagery and metaphor and personification! Otherwise, it falls pretty flat.
Good luck!
Thanks, I'll remember that.
Short and sweet, but perhaps a little too short.
Unfortunately formatting never works very well on yws unless you go into the reply screen, and I'm afraid I found it quite amusing to read;
"Why do you hate me? - Glaring at me with those eyes? - Have I done you wrong? - I appreciate any feedback."
I do like it though.
A single Haiku on it's own seems wimpy, it's always best to put them in a collection. You'll get more reviews, since people are more likely to take the post seriously.