Published October 17, 2009
I was extremely moved by "The Diary of Anne Frank", so I decided to write this book. This is not a hate literature, no matter what my views of the Nazis may be. You will see this as the book unfolds.
EDIT: I changed my mind, this is actually going to simply remain a short story.
I am the ghost that haunts you, the beast that resides within you, the darkness in the deepest reaches of your heart. You don't know me, you say? Don't lie to yourself. Everyone knows me. I am everyone. Every white cloth has a speck, as every heart has a black taint. No matter how faint, no matter how repressed you believe it may be, it's still there. You can't deny it, can you? No... you know who I am, what I can do, what I can make you do. You're afraid, and you should be. People have, are, and always will be destroying one another. You should be afraid. They all are. At any moment I could take control, no matter how kind and pitiful others find you. Pity? I spit on pity, and my spit is flame. Flame that burns your skin and freezes your soul. The flame that burns, never ceasing and refusing to be quenched, destroying all in its path until it is consumed by an even larger flame. My touch is death's. I grasp men's hearts, and they have no resistance against me. I am part of everyone, as I am part of you, dear reader. You cannot kill me. Ha! To think I am something to be killed! Without me, all life would crumble and perish.
What am I?
You know.
You know...
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140,793 Literary Works • 673,688 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
Anyway let's get right to it,
Oooh well this is a rather chilling piece here. I can certainly see where the title comes from there. And well reviewing this as its own story because you seem to have abandoned this as a prologue, I'd say it definitely still works as a short story, a really powerful sort of singular punch almost of a story this one. Its very one note, but its just about short enough for that to actually work quite well.
Diving a little deeper into this, I love how this little chant almost builds here. You get the picture of someone that's truly evil and even more terrifyingly, it appears to be a person that is fully aware that they are evil and instead of shying away or denying it, seems to accept it and even get some sort of actual enjoyment out of being evil and being perceived as evil. This leads in beautifully I think to the very end of the piece where those single lines really do create a very powerful effect.
Overall, this one happens to be a rather effective and rather potent little short story that you've got right here.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Excellent prolouge!!
I love the whole aspect of the narrorator not thinking that he is everything, but knowing it. It really puts an almost subtle notion to the fact that he might be insane.
I am chills! This was a great way to start the story. I made me want to read on desperately. Your piece has great voice and I can see it all clearly. A flame, a person talking. I really enjoyed reading this even though it was short. It captured the attention of your reader. Great job!
Hi there!
This is wonderful stuff. You certainly had me gripped me until the very end. I can't wait to ream more.
I do have one very small nitpick though:
On a general note, you seem often to repeat yourself. Particularly in the middle. It all flows wonderfully, but in places it felt like I was listening to the same point/description but just with different words. I'm having trouble explaining this so:
The repetition of "flame" here seems to stick a bit. Particularly at the end where everything seems to rush to the point where it is "consumed by an even larger flame. Looking at it now though, I think it's probably more to do with your sentence structuring than your wording. Make sure you structure things carefully so that the reader gets the right impression from the sentence. Here I would suggest you brake up the third sentence.
This is just my personal opinion, but I never like it when the narrator speaks directly to the reader like this. It's like in Drama, as soon as an actor (when there not meant to) makes eye contact with the you audience, it breaks the illusion and the imagery. This of course could be what you're intentionally doing, so that's fine. But personally I don't like it. And also, be careful with using too many exclamation marks.
I know I probably sounded quite harsh there, but I honestly really liked this. Make sure to tell me when you post the next part.
Hi PenNPaper here to review!
Short, sweet, fantastic!
I loved this so much, it was so full of suspense, great job with that! Although you had no characters, no dialogue, no thoughts, no feelings or whatsoever, I found it very captivating, not to mention interesting, very descriptive on your part. Hope you will make this into a book, would love to read it.
Good luck and keep writing!
Beautiful,but that's not all this little eice is. It's also chilling, chilling to know that i'm part nazi! I didn't know that! But it's great to chill the readers. This is exactly whati needto stay awake! Good job with the sentencing. I think teens andadults alike would read this. I loved it
-OLLI
Hi! I really like this. You've thrown the reader into something very dramatic and abstract, and most likely something unwelcome, I think. It's very clear that this is supposed to be a certain emotion, however, I do agree with Stella; it would be best if you gave the reader some kind of clue as to what specific emotion it is that's narrating, be it anger, hatred, fear, cowardice... whatever. The point is to allow the reader to have some idea of what to look for, but only enough so that you still have room to add some mystery or suspense, and that we can't guess right off the bat what you're trying to say.
Also, a few nitpicks. I think it would be best if you ditched the bold letters at the beginning of the prologue and replaced them with italics. You used them further on in the story, and there really was no difference between the bold words an the italicized. Also, I don't think 'Ha!' fits in here very nicely. When you think about it, "Ha!" is sort of laughing, and laughing is purely human, not emotional, if you know what I mean. If the narrator is something very abstract like an emotion, you don't want to give it many obvious human characteristics.
And that being said, I think that the overall tone of the speaker is a little too contemptuous. When I think of emotions, I think, not of the emotion feeling only itself(anger feeling anger, sadness feeling sadness, e.t.c.), but of that emotion being cold or even dispassionate. This one sounds almost angry at the reader, when in fact emotions live alongside of us, seamless, if you know what I mean. Emotions are part of us, not foreign entities that look down on us in any way. When an emotion is personified like this, remember that they would be pretty used to everything that we do, good or bad, and wouldn't necessarily know our thoughts, so when you write, "You don't know me, you say?" it can't really work. But of course, this is your story, and you can make emotions read our thoughts if you please.
Overall, I really like this, and I'm looking forward excitedly to the next installments!
P.S. If you liked Anne Frank's diary, then you might like Postcards from No-Man's Land, by Aidan Chambers. It takes place in Amsterdam, Holland, and alternates between chapters between past and present. The past follows Geertrui, a young girl who falls in love with an American soldier fighting against the Nazis occupying Holland, and the present follows the grandson of that soldier visiting his grandmother's friend (Geertrui) on her deathbed in Amsterdam. He had always loved Anne Frank's diary, and it plays a huge role in the story. I hope you enjoy it if you read it!
Hello there:
I must say you have me hooked, and i can't wait for more!
Your descriptions are haunting and capture the reader's attention.
I personally love this time period and have written 2 novels on it.
It never fails to draw me in.
I have read ''The Diary of Anne Frank'' and i've seen the movie, i was impressed by both.
-Angela
Wow! Thanks for all the reviews! I'll be sure to post the first chapter up soon.
Hey Black! Stella here!
I'm so glad that someone finally posted something new in Historical. *rubs hands together with glee* If you're interested in World War Two, I can recommend a few books to you. The first is The Book Thief by Markus Zusak which, though it's fictional, gives a wonderful picture of Nazi Germany, as well as being one of the best books I've ever read. In My Hands by Irene Opdyke you might enjoy- it's a memoir of a young woman who hid twelve Jewish people in a Nazi officer's basement. And The Boy In The Striped Pyjamas by John Boyne is really good for seeing things in an entirely new point of view. Other than that, there are still loads of brilliant books out there and I encourage you to read up on your topic.
So...
I. NITPICKS
You're me? It just seems a bit presumptuous and a bit sort of "Wow! Okay..." Perhaps try and tone it down a little?
This looks weird. Maybe try: "My touch is that of death."
I don't really like exclamation marks as a rule in prose, but maybe get rid of the second one here, at least.
Okay...
II. OVERALL
There's no particular issues I have, so I want to just say a few overall points. To be honest, I don't really know what your speaker was. Guilt? Hatred? Perhaps you could give some examples of what exactly it is. When do people feel it strongest? What has it driven them to do? It was a bit hard to decipher. As I realise this is a prologue, I assume that the themes of the rest of the story will make it clearer though, so I wouldn't worry too much. Just remember that though your metaphors are clear to you, they might not be to the reader. Or else I'm just really dense and you should ignore me.
Other than that, I enjoyed this- you've got a good style going on. Just a note about your author's note- make sure it doesn't turn into a work of hatred, because that will be bad. Forget all you know about the atrocities of Nazi Germany, and think instead of how people lived at the time, how it affected your characters' lives, yes, but how other things did as well. I know you'll be keeping a close eye on making sure this doesn't happen though, but I'm just saying. Ever seen "Downfall?" It's a German film that shows Hitler's last days in the bunker, in an almost sympathetic light, and that's the kind of thing you've got to do. You've got to love all your characters, even the bad ones.
But as I said, I'm sure you'll do fine.
Hope I helped, and feel free to drop me a note if you need anything at all!
-Stella x
Hey there! Wow! This is just such an amazing start to your story. I really can't find anything to nit-pick other than the fact that the first paragraph might be able to be split into a few smaller paragraphs.
Overall, this really drew me in and I can't wait to read more. I think that you have a really good idea here, and even though there are tons of stories about the 2nd world war out there, they never get old.
Good job so far! I haven't read the diary of Anne Frank, but I still really like stories about this time period. Don't know why, but maybe it has something to do with the fact that I just adore historical fiction.
As Irish said, keep up the great work and I'll be keeping a look out for more! See you around!
~ Trish
Hi!
Wow. Great start here! I love all the flow in it, its great you had me hooked!
I've been dieing to read the Diary of Anne Frank! But I can never find it
But anyway, I'm very curious as to see whats going to happen in this, I hope to see more!! I've always had a strange interest in that period of time
Keep up the great work and can't wait to see more!
-Irish
Great prologue! You have me gripped already! I love the emotions you describe, they're very deep and at the same time terrifying. I'm really looking forward to reading more. It was very brave of you to attempt to write about life in that particular period in time and I applaud you for your effort.
*coco*