Magius Trilogy Book I Chapter I

Thanks! I'm going to re-post an improved version of this using your helpful hints. Just one clarification. When Kirthin calls Searle a "fool", he's actually joking around, pretending to be some great and powerful mage. Thanks and I'll message you, meadowlark when i get up my updated version!

Hi newbie! I mean blackpencil. haha

I shall be your wonderful reviewer today. (I'm JC. Nice to meet you. *shakes hand*)

I saw your profile beforehand and your overview of the land of Chisst reminded me of Tolkien's prologue to the Fellowship of the Ring when he goes over the history of hobbits. I'm trying to read it now out of curiosity ...its good for the most part.

Ok, anyway back to your work. Excuse my rambling.

The last remnants of fleecy white clouds were dyed blood red as the sun sank into the valley. Kirthin sighed. These few last hours of the day were his favourite ones. The hills caught fire as the sun sank lower and lower behind the hills. He was to start his lessons tomorrow.
Kirthin did not live in our world, Earth, as we call it. He lived in Chisst. Chisst is what some people may call “another realm”, or an “alternate dimension”, but it truly was what it was called. It was another world. A world full of magic. Some of you, hearing that, may scoff in disgust and put down this book at once, thinking that talk of other worlds and magic is for children, and by all means, if you think you are too grown up for such things, then do not read this book and wonder for all your life what would’ve happened if you had.
Now, back to the world of Chisst. Chisst is a vast land separated into five distinct parts. One part is shrouded in mystery and evil, and it is called Brule. Dark and evil beasts came from Brule, and wicked beings practiced the evil magics. There are humans in Brule, but they are huge, bloodthirsty warlords not at all like normal human beings, and are called Titans. They are very few in number, even in Brule, because they keep killing each other in a mad quest for total domination.

Kirthin grabbed Searle by the collar of his tunic and stared him in the eye.
“NEVER talk about my brother again. EVER.” Kirthin said quietly.

The tawny gold and orange sky began to fade to gray, and a few stars began to twinkle like diamonds in the sky. Kirthin shivered as a cool breeze washed over him. It was about time to retire for the night.

Heya! This was an interesting story. I really enjoyed reading it but (yes a but. There is always a but) I found some problems (if you wish to call them that).

To start off with, I don't like the following paragraphs. Okay, it's mostly the whole chapter but that isn't the point.

Now, back to the world of Chisst. Chisst is a vast land separated into five distinct parts. One part is shrouded in mystery and evil, and it is called Brule. Dark and evil beasts came from Brule, and wicked beings practiced the evil magics. There are humans in Brule, but they are huge, bloodthirsty warlords not at all like normal human beings, and are called Titans. They are very few in number, even in Brule, because they keep killing each other in a mad quest for total domination.

Another part is a thick wood, woven with footpaths and roads and dotted with cities, and is called Elvenwood. The elves lived in Elvenwood, and served the true gods and practiced good magics of healing. The elves were separated into two different clans, the Moonclan and the Sunclan. By the difference in their names, you would think they didn’t get along very well, but I couldn’t tell you that, because elves are very secretive and private creatures, so they wouldn’t really tell me anything about what goes on their homeland. Perhaps you will find out later in the book.

Anyway, the third part of Chisst is a flat land covered in trade roads and dotted with thousands of beautiful cities and home to brave heroes and knights. It was called Celestica, after its capital city, a beautiful hub of trade and home to the king of Celestica.

The fourth part of Chisst is called Dorman, and is covered in precipitous mountains and coniferous forests, with no flat land anywhere to be seen. This is where Kirthin lives. It is separated into many barbarian tribes that always quarrelled against each other, as well as allied frequently to fight against the mountain goblin tribes that also inhabited Dorman. Dorman was a very independent land, not caring about anyone else’s troubles, as they had more than enough of their own.

The final part of Chisst was a mountainous and volatile land full of rivers of lava, towering volcanic masses, and black charred stones, and is called Gomorrah. It is totally uninhabitable by humans, and no vegetation grew there, but there are things living there. They are called Thorag. They are as much lava and molten rock as their home around them, and dwell in underground cities made of the volcanic stones of their home. They are neither evil nor righteous and very strange beings indeed.

To the north of Chisst lay was the Great Wall, a never-ending mountain range of icy glacial formations that never moved and never melted. Few brave adventurers ventured into those lands and none of them ever returned. To the south of Chisst lay a great body of water named the Great Deep. No one ever sailed across the Great Deep. There lived great beasts such as the Kraken and the Sea Serpent, said to be four thousand miles in length. It was said that the Great Deep went on and on until it ran right off the edge of the world in a never ending cataract.

Kirthin was part of a barbarous mountain tribe called in the Basic tongue of Chisst; Mahamiko. It was tradition for the males of the Mahamiko to be trained in the art of combat from the age of ten for generations. These same traditions applied to a male that was found to have a Signa. A Signa was an insignia of a certain type of magic that was found on a sorcerer (a person that can only use one type of magic) at birth. The Mahamiko considered the Signa a blessing from the gods, since no other members of the tribe could use magic; therefore the ones found with a Signa were given private training lessons in magic from the age of sixteen. Kirthin was found with a Signa of Inferius, the fire element of magic, crawling up his left arm; he turned sixteen tomorrow.

The years of learning magical theory were over. Tomorrow he would begin to learn how to wield the power of flame. Finally. He heard someone call his name. He turned to see a young man his age running toward him. It was his childhood friend Searle. Searle was a joker, barley serious about anything. His hair was short and black as raven’s plumage. He had a dark caramel tan like Kirthin with clear, very light blue -so light they looked white- eyes. He wore a band of purest gold around his muscular arm, signifying among the barbarian tribes he was a great warrior and champion. Even Kirthin couldn’t face up to him in a friendly tournament.

Kirthin did not live in our world, Earth, as we call it. He lived in Chisst. Chisst is what some people may call “another realm”, or an “alternate dimension”, but it truly was what it was called. It was another world. A world full of magic. Some of you, hearing that, may scoff in disgust and put down this book at once, thinking that talk of other worlds and magic is for children, and by all means, if you think you are too grown up for such things, then do not read this book and wonder for all your life what would’ve happened if you had.

The last remnants of fleecy white clouds were dyed blood red as the sun sank into the valley. Kirthin sighed. These few last hours of the day were his favourite ones. The hills caught fire as the sun sank lower and lower behind the hills. He was to start his lessons tomorrow.

“Why, the fact that you’re going to be a great and powerful mage soon! We can say we knew you when you before you rise above the rest of us! It will be a great and solemn occasion, just as you like it!” Searle laughed.

The Wraith was a cult of corrupt Celstican knights that wore black armour and wielded evil destructive magics. They were known in Celestica as the Black Guard, and some said their leader was an Ancient Titan, one of the horrible warlord races of Brule.

“Yeah, o-okay... sorry...” Searle looked very confused and hurt as he stalked off. Kirthin swept around to return to stare at the sunset. He would start lessons tomorrow. Finally.