You

One - In no way shape or form was I offended or believed that anyone came off as rude or mean. I took it as you being serious and that that was your honest opinion and I appreciate it very much. ^-^

Two - I agree this particular piece didn't really have emotion. Might of been for the fact that I was feeling really apathetic when I wrote. It's wasn't really a good day...

Three - TheInker, I know that you didn't really like this line
"People fly by
Without saying hi"
But when I wrote it I meant it. I'm not really the type of person where people will stop and talking to me when they're walking by even if I know them. That whole stanza is true i guess i would have to say.-.

Four - Sorry I was so straight forward, I didn't know how else to tell what I wanted to tell... Hope I didn't sound mean, I problem with that and written/typed text.

I really do appreciate every ones reviews, they help a lot! ^-^
Thank You so much! :D

Hi there! I'm slipping in to give you a review.

I'd have to admit, there are an immense amount of commas in here. (Perdido already stated this).
If you feel as if you MUST have some sort of punctuation, put a period at the end of every verse, which will give it the feel of a complete thought. But like it was stated, once the link breaks it is.. well.. just that.

Your rhyming is fine, the only line I have a problem with is..

"People fly by
Without saying hi"

As if you couldn't find anything meaningful to rhyme with 'by', so you decided to use the second line.

It seems too cliche, and I would suggest trying to find another way to convey that particular message.

But besides that, this is a nice poem, and I enjoyed reading it.

(Not that great of a critic. Hope I didn't offend.)

I'm going to be brutally honest... it's cliche.

I started reading this and automatically went into auto-pilot, just kind of rolling with it. But then I couldn't even do that. Why? Rhythm. The commas are not needed.

I'm sorry. I sound like a really mean person.

Let me start over.

Hey! I'm Fixed. I'll review you today.

Your rhyming scheme, as said before by other reviewers, is not exactly a rhyming scheme. Right now, this poem is kind of like one of those salads that you throw together right before you put the food on the table, just tossing some ingredients in here and there. And the rhyming is... we'll say the sunflower seeds. They all fell to the bottom, so we only get a little taste of them every once in a while.

Why is this relevant?

Your rhyming either needs to be consistent, or not in there at all. All I have right now is a badly tossed salad. Get some mixers in there, though (put a little more thought into it) and this piece could really get me going.

Also, your description was very cliche, I'm not going to lie. I think I was close to seeing what you were talking about, but this scenario has been used so many times, I've tried to push it to the back of my head. You can still use it, though, you just need to embrace it with a more clingy feel. Give it more emotion; make me sway with fervent feelings. I want to see what you're seeing.

Poetry is about emotion. So let it flow.

Well, I hope I helped! Don't take this at all in a bad way, I've had a long day and I needed to get a review in. I want to see this piece blossom into a very beautiful poem, so please PM me when you edit it!

Love,
Fixed

Conrad - I see what your saying and i do have to agree, I believe its missing something too. Unfortunately even I, Being the writer, do not currently understand what it is. Maybe when I look look back at it in a later time, I might be able to understand what that is.

Perdido - I realize that there are a lot of commas, I must have forgotten to take them out before posting, I put them in there to help me considerate other wise it bugs me. Now speaking of rhyme scheme, it ended up like this because I ended up wanted to rhyme but also not wanting to and the words also fell like that. Hope that's not confusing, I can be sometimes :/

Thank you ^-^

Hi there, blacknightscry. I'm Conrad Rice, and I just thought I would stop in and give you a review.

So, I really like what you've got going on here. It's a nice little love poem. Not really too crazy or gushy, at least not in my opinion. That's a point for it, though. Being too gushy and crazy anymore will just turn people away from your works.

In what might seem an utterly contradictory phrase though, I do think that this is missing something. There's some kind of umph, something special, missing from this. Try looking at it again. Maybe rewriting it again. And when you do, try to put just a little bit more of yourself in it. Let your emotions leak through a little. Not too much, but just a little.

It's a nice start you have here. You can build off of this really well. PM me if you have any questions or comments.

Good job, and good luck.

-Conrad Rice

too many commas. seriously there's a comma after every line. stop it, you don't need to do that. It makes me feel manic when I read this.

Take out ALL the commas.

You don't need a comma after a line break because... its a line break. The break is included. Hows that for a deal?

The rhyme scheme is inconsistent and that's an immediate red flag. You CAN get away with having an inconsistent rhyme scheme, but not until you've really honed your craft. This is your scheme as it stands:

ABCB
ABCC
AABC
AABB
AAAA

Its not consistent, see? The reader expects the same lines to rhyme in each stanza, and when it doesn't, the reader wishes you had just not rhymed at all. So my suggestion is to write something that doesn't rhyme, and to really read some stuff. Also always include Sensory Detail, and put in some THINGS. William Carlos Williams said, "no poetry but in things." He's right. There aren't really any things in your poem.