Published July 5, 2010
As her tears fall down,
They don't even make a sound
As they hit the floor,
They made all her sorrows real
She was lost in an ocean,
Filled with hate
She tried so hard,
But there was no way to escape
Even if she cried for help,
There was no one that would come
All alone, but surrounded by people,
Was something she could no longer take
Tired of waiting for someone to rescue her,
Knowing that day would never come
She let herself drown,
In the ocean filled with hate
So she sits in a field now,
As a ghost forever...
I don't know .-.
should I continue it or drop it?
some words rhyme, but I didn't do it on purpose that's just how they fell
and it's ending was kind of dull or uninteresting....
But I don't know... .-.
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141,730 Literary Works • 675,634 Reviews
you definitly need to continue this poem. it is amazing so far, and i dont see anything wrong with it. i love that she is in an 'ocean of hate'. it sounds so metaphorical and cool haha. please please continue
I forgot to mention in my review that you were my 75th review which earned my my third gold star! Thank you for giving me that opportunity!
-ROC
Hey! I quite enjoyed this poem. It had very good imagery. It lacked in length and punctuation, so please extend it if you want. I like poems like this-depressing, despair, anger, sadness. They show a lot more emotion than any other can. It had all those. But something needed to be added to make it perfect. One little nitpick is this:
You say she lets herself drown in her ocean but then she is suddenly sitting in a field. Try and progressively get there and not jump there without warning. Perhaps not in a field but in her dreams where she can live out her own happy life?
Hope this helps
MWAHAHAHA!
-RepublicOfCoter(ROC)
thank you for the advice!
I'll definitely continue it then ^-^
I completely agree with kingolions, and i think you should definitely continue. Some people have trouble with rhyming subtly being able to rhyme subtly without trying is a big advantage,and a sign of an amazing poet.
Hey. I thought that this was really good. I thought that it flowed well and that it worked well. I think that if you expand a little on your second last stanza, then let it hang, then it would be good. I think that the rhyming was subtle, and it didn't stand out so much that you should change it. I like the ending. It makes it a bit different from what is usually done. But this was really good.