Published June 17, 2010
Falling rain
In the blowing wind
On a cloudy day
During a hurricane
Dancing in the sea
Near a beautiful field
Over grown with flowers
In cased in a soft Yellow
Where a little girl cries
Because every thing's gone
Except for the wooden swing
Sitting in a lush green forest
Spotted with colors
Enhanced by the rain
But miles away
By another field
Colored by time
Where the little girl can no longer reach
Making her cry
During the falling rain
In the blowing wind
On a cloudy day...
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140,571 Literary Works • 673,516 Reviews
Well I was really going for setting and leaving imagery up to the reader's imagination. I would have put more punctuation and paid more attention to the words but i'm not so good at that at 11:27pm. Thank you for the advice too! ^-^
"Overgrown" and "encased" -- you really need to watch your spelling in poetry because it's such a short form, and every word holds much more weight than in regular prose.
There were a number of lines that struck me as filler (like the hurricane one). In addition, the lack of punctuation made this one giant run-on of words, which didn't make this an enjoyable read at all. Adding punctuation would not only make this poem easier to read; it would also make it easier to digest and understand.
As far as imagery goes, there really wasn't much of any. You use a whole lot of adjectives, but they're of the vague and nonspecific kind, and they're all parts of common combinations.
The one thing I did like was how you tied the beginning of the poem to the end with repetition. I thought it was a nice touch.
I love the mirrored style you used, though the poem itself didn't really paint a picture (for me at least). All the adjectives and details are there, I just think that the way you formed the poem interrupted the flow of the scene. The subject is cool though.
:Jeanette: