You see my eyes,
But do you see,
What's deep down inside,
Hiding from the surface,
Where the pains to strong,
And the hurts to deep,
And all I can do is weep,
You see the outside,
The fake,
It's all a mistake,
You see the smiles,
That laughter,
The faces I put on,
Missing the nights,
I cried alone,
Thinking I couldn't go on,
Tormented by everyone's lies,
The hatred that wouldn't die,
Days the rain comforted,
Sickness in the mind set in,
The last breath of sanity,
Just blew away,
The color left,
And the world turned gray,
Each and every day,
I told my self it would all be okay,
That I would soon find my reason,
To see the very next day,
Then he came along,
Gentle hands long awaited,
Time just stopped,
He sat there and he thought,
His mind was great,
Kindness he had too much,
My tears wiped away,
And brought sunny days,
The smiles turned real,
And the laughter,
I finally could feel,
My masks were gone,
No longer alone,
My reason for living was finally known,
A monster he called himself,
A devil even,
But not to me,
He took the hurt away,
And made me happy each and every day,
A monster he's not,
A devil he isn't,
My time with him,
Could never fade,
No matter how far away he'll go,
I'll always know,
A true friend he was,
A true friend he'll always be,
At least to me
Not only could he see,
Every thing hidden deep beneath,
But he was there,
When every thing fell,
Through thick and thin,
He was always there till the very end,
Miles away he maybe,
But When you decided it was time to bail,
He stayed with out fail,
A red rose,
I'll give to him,
A friend I can all ways depend,
Irreplaceable is what he is,
I know he'll be there till the end,
A trust so pure,
Only for a true friend,
A pure white snow,
Falls to the ground,
And everything that surrounds....
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,008 Literary Works • 672,831 Reviews
Thank you ^-^
The advice was wonderful and I know what you guys are saying.
One of my problems is keeping what I write short and taking out what I don't need.
I'm working on it though
Hey there! Deafwriter has some wonderful advice, so I'd suggest keeping up with what he's said.
You have a great beginning for a poem here, lots of potential emotions you could use to your advantage. However, you haven't put it together in the best of forms. As it is, this poem is hard for me as a reader to relate to. I can't entirely understand what is going on, first off because it is never well explained and second because, as deafwriter pointed out, it's a bit bulky in content.
The best thing a poem can do is make the reader feel something, or think about something. As this poem stands, I can't relate to it and I can't feel the emotions from it. I don't know what's going on with the speaker, there's too much information and the situation is too obscure. Try making it more specific to a moment, perhaps, an instant where these feelings existed. Don't explain absolutely everything, but give us the important details. Bring us in with your speaker so we can feel with her/him.
I'm not the best at explaining how to do this, but hopefully you've got the general idea. Best of luck!
I don't particularly like this poem.
You blow it up way too much and take what could be a beautiful short poem and overfluff it. I recommend cutting down on the bulk on it. Keep most of the imagery...I LOVE the imagery you made, but you don't put it to good use here.
This poem has got potential. But you didn't really form a cohesive thread and you fluffed it up.
I'd recommend:
- Cutting down on most of the imagery
- Changing the beginning. It's very weak.
- Keeping the imagery.
I like the idea behind it. But the size was just too staggering.
GRADE: C-
Wow good job
You could tell you really were feeling this.
Great work.