And in that moment
My heart breaks a little more
As though all lights been taken
And buried under the floor
Smothered in darkness
With no escape
That's how my heart felt
As it ached
Waiting decades
For someone to come
But alas all was lost
With nothing more
But a poor little girl
Who sat on the floor
With a broken heart
That had no light
And ached with the pain
Of being smothered in darkness
Without an escape
And to die as she waits...
I don't know... .-.
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125,008 Literary Works • 672,831 Reviews
Hey there!
I can see the sort of idea in this poem. It's very general, which can be a good thing.
I would suggest to add a proper rhythm to this poem. Rhythm is, for me, an essential part to ease of reading.
You also begin the poem with rhyme, but don't continue it after stanza 2. Maybe you should continue it, because it worked in the first two stanzas.
It is quite a solemn poem, which is absolutely fine.
Try to get a rhythm in there though.
Hope this helped.
I don't know if this will help but try replacing light and darkness with love and hatred
and the rhythm at the beginning wasn't intentional .-.
I know what you mean but if I didn't separate it like that this is what I'd have(and the four lines per stanzas how I wrote so I decided to leave it):
And in that moment
My heart #BF0000 ">broke a little more
As though all light #BF0000 ">had been taken
And buried under the floor
Smothered in darkness
With no escape
That's how my heart felt
As it ached
#BF0000 ">While waiting decades
For someone to come
But alas all was lost
With nothing more
But a poor little girl
Who sat on the floor
With a broken heart
That had no light
And ached with the pain
Of being smothered in darkness
Without an escape
And to die as she waits...
Okay, honestly, I'm having a bit of trouble grasping the idea of this poem. Maybe a love that never came? I don't know. I understand it seems that it is meant to be vague, but even vague lets loose some light in the dark. Other than that little worry, this is a good, emotional poem. Your stanzas are confusing for me, though; you seem to stop a thought midway in one stanza and continue the thought in the next, yet start a new idea in the same stanza. Every stanza in a poem doesn't have to be the same number of lines. It's like a paragraph in a story or essay. They don't all have the same number of sentences. Also, in the middle, there is no rhyme scheme going. In my mind, I think that if you start with the poem rhyming instead of it being unrhymed, then you should keep it like that throughout the entire poem. But, that's jsut me. Others may disagree on that.