Published July 18, 2011
the bowl of dawn drops open,
its pearled walls eroding with light
at the horizon—
that plane where sky knots with ocean,
where your figure is blurred
and swept from mine at the shore,
our bodies spun and undone
as the innards of shells.
waves perish on the rocks
and begin again as a song,
a song of hearts stuttering to stop,
of hand-shaped starfish borne
in its surf, grasping—
the water reaching,
then pulling from the sand,
like flesh peeling from bone,
like bodies washed open.
water slips through my fingers
like the blood faded from your veins,
and the surf breaks open upon me
in a mourning veil,
echoed in the elegies of gulls.
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138,660 Literary Works • 672,196 Reviews
I didn't really understand this or get what meaning you were trying to convey. What are you trying to get across to the reader? It just seemed like a bunch of sugar coated sea side imagry to me. You need to kind of thicken it out. Give it bones. Good luck and keep on writing!
Matt
very strong imagery and word usage
i felt every word that was written on my screen
though it is very brilliant....there is one thing i would fix
the last stanza did not seem to hold up to its previous sayings
Keep up the good work and don't give up.
I like it. It's deep. My only nitpick is in the first stanza, instead of "plane," it should be "plain." Unless you mean "plane" as in the geometrical plane. Other than that, it's a nice poem. Good job.
-tgirly
The imagery is like WOW... Would like to read some more poems .. keep them coming
I thought that this was really lovely. You're writing style is really unique and leaves the reader grasping for meaning. I don't know how you meant it to be... but when I read it, and then read it again, I got the feeling that the person that this was about is trying to hold on to someone... but it just keeps slipping away. Thats my interpretation, but I could be totally wrong, which is okay =]
The flow of this was really good and I'm still just amazed by the style. You have such good use of grammar and punctuation and spacing that its really nice to read.
Im trying to think of something that I don't like with it... but I keep coming up blank. Overall, a great job well done. =]