Published July 23, 2010
He’s the boy with broken stars in his eyes,
With a bloodstained smile and
The laugh of a snake’s rattle.
His spurs scrape the sand,
A slope steepens his spine.
His lips split open as he glances behind:
Blood corrodes his teeth as
A barbed-wire tongue flicks in and out.
He turns his back once more,
Compelled to a horizon scrubbed raw.
Spires of cigarette smoke uncoil,
Shards of liquor bottles glint.
The gravel in his breath cracks the air.
The vulture sun swallows him whole,
He sets the sulfur sky aflame -
And a jagged grin unhinges his jaw.
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140,613 Literary Works • 673,552 Reviews
Hello again! I must say, your poetry's quite to my liking. It does vary a little though. There are some parts of this which I really love and others that I'm not so fond on. Here's a few comments!
I love the first line of this, it's simple but sounds great and conjures up a lot of images. The second is mediocre though. It's a little too plain and straight forward. I'd like to see just a slight change, maybe something other than smile so that it's more original? Eyes, smile, laugh. They're all very obvious choices. And for the last line I'd suggest 'rattlesnake' rather than snake's rattle. It flows more smoothly.
Love the first three lines of this, awesome rhythm there! The other two felt out of place. I like the metaphor of a barbed wire tongue but the rhythm and perhaps some of the wording was off.
Those first two lines are a bit of a mouthfull. I'm also not sure what you're saying. A horizon scrubbed raw? What does that mean? I'd like to see a line expanding on that and adding clarity. In all honesty, I think this was my least favourite stanza. It's too many disconnected statements, too little sense, too little rhythm. Maybe take another look?
I like the last line here but I'm not sure about the other two. What images did you hope to create with sulfur? It's a chemical used in fertilizers so it always makes me think of growth or improvement. Sometimes it makes me think synthetic too but I don't think any of those definitions work here? If you was just going for the sibilance, pick a different word that has a more appropriate meaning.
Well I hope that helps! Keep writing and maybe I'll see you around again,
Heather xx
Blackbird,
Very well done, I can't tell you how much I enjoyed this poem. I love the way you crafted every line as an image that works so well with the surrounding ones to paint a bigger, vivid picture. The fact that you stuck with a simple word choice makes me enjoy it even more.
Make sure you let the images complete themselves; at some points, I felt that you were cutting the image off before it had a chance to unwrap and reach its potential, such as in the third stanza, so I'll just say to watch your punctuation in areas like that. Otherwise, I think you did wonderfully with images, but remember those tiny connecting words like "as" and "and", because at some points it gets a little difficult to flow through.
On the whole, good job, I really enjoyed this.
June
Hey blackbird12!
I liked this poem. I'm not quite sure what to say about this. It was a bit confusing a times but it provoked quite an interesting idea. I'm not quite sure what this poem is about. But I like it. If I could work out what this is about, maybe I could be more excited.
MWAHAHAHA!
-RepublicOfCoter(ROC)
Hey blackbird.
I think I am a wrong person to be asked for a poem's reviews. Neither am I a poem lover nor a poet. I tried a lot to pinpoint some mistakes, but whatever I could have has already been said so my review would look like a repetition.
I liked this very much, and probably the best thing about this was the great vocabulary you used here. This poem looked creepy to me, which is my favorite genre even though I am trying my best to write something in it.
I don't know what else to say, so I am going to shut up now.
*likes*
~Shubhi
Whoa. This gave me chills reading it! I really like your word choice--the way you arrange them gives the poem VERY effective imagery. When I think of this person, I see a man in a part of a twisted painting. I especially love the "a slope steepens his spine." It's a very unique description. Your rhymes seem sort of loose, but somehow that works here. =) Keep writing, dude~
Hi blackbird!
Nice to see you using the line I liked from a previous poem.
These three lines were sublime. Great metre, ideas and rhyme. Good job.
The rest, however, didn't have the same brilliant pace and construction. I found many disjointed moments, especially the next two lines after these. I think you might need a "his" before barbed-wire tongue. "A bloodstained smile" struck me as a bit familiar, I think a better expression could be in in order.
Overall, though, this was good. I like the theme and the images. Thanks for the read.
Wow, that is beautiful and morbid at the same time. I love it. Great job!! I love the word choice and the imagery it puts off. Keep on writing. =))