Anticipation like broken glass in my mouth.
An unbearable proximity: his fingers flay my skin,
a blade quivers between us.
Virgin eyes exposed to flaws - tobacco on his breath,
the twitch in his eyelid, an imperfection in the iris;
a crack in the ceiling plaster.
Caresses clench to fists, skin stretches bone-white
and blood wheels in my veins, clavicles rattling,
the brush of his breath like a razor.
A crescendo of heat and strength
as he clutches at my hair - a tug upon the scalp,
sweet pain of human contact -
Then a quick nervous stop.
He withdraws, body battered and raw,
glistening in the dying light;
a limp severs his gait as he bleeds away.
A throb lingers, hollow but defiant
like that of a phantom limb.
Bereft of all but scars and sweat stains,
I bite my tongue and cherish the blood.
~
Revised it for the helpful suggestions.
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Canary word: Present
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Herro, Blackbird. I'm going to slice right into this as much as I can because I have faith in it and I want it to be closer to perfect!
#FF0000 ">Here's our introduction and the content gets violent instantly. The reader can taste the blood, feel the sting of filleted skin. A bead of sweat forms on the forehead and the reader winces in response. Great sensationalism, but maybe some imagery? Imagine the impact of seeing the blood, smelling the iron.
#FF0000 ">And suddenly, she/he's on her/his back and the scene takes on a new perspective. Here, some sexual tension is played on and the reader is enticed in a new way. If it's about murder, then what sort of fear is the MC feeling? What sort of terror do the details in his eyes strike in his/her heart? If it's about sex, then it would be the ideal time to incorporate details about the partner. What does his cologne smell like? Is his skin sweaty? Detail!
#FF0000 ">And the sexual tension because as tight as a violin string. If the reader thinks of sex, then it takes on violence and masochism. If they're thinking murder, it becomes rape. The content rounds itself out and the story deepens. The last line, "The brush of his breath like a razor." is the best in the stanza. Tactile sensation. In this stanza, you tackle sight, feel, and heat. And sound, if you can hear his breathing. Which I can!
#FF0000 ">The reader either salivates or sits on the edge of his/her seat. This is the stanza that gave me the idea that it's about sex. Suddenly, the events begin to climax and the senses rage with a longing for more, but something happens in this stanza--the author snaps it short. Oh, how cruel.
#FF0000 ">The jarring line-break: clever, but has been done before. But why has it been done? Because it works! And now the antagonist/partner is done with his "deed" and pulls away. You only give me a sight-sensory in this stanza. I want more!
#FF0000 ">And there you have it, the sweaty conclusion of the poem. In this stanza, we have tactile sensory, sight, smell (of the sweat), taste (of the blood), and I even heard the sound of a throbbing heartbeat. Can you hear it? It's ambiance. Great ending.
I dub you the king of implications, Blackbird. The interesting thing about this poem is that I read it four times--the first as a female perspective, the second as a male perspective, the third for grammar and the fourth for content improvement. And between the first two reads, things changed drastically.
When read as a female MC, it gives off a searing implication of abuse and conveyed hatred. As a male MC, it sounds sexually masochistic... Odd, right? Maybe not. If you intended something along those lines, then very well-done.
The punctuation had only a few 'ehh' spots, and they're noted above. PM me! I want to talk about the piece more and I want to get some of your insight into what YOU wrote.
Until next time,
Lumiface
Hey there! I thought this was VERY nicely written. My favorite lines had to be,
and
=) That being said, I didn't find anything I didn't really like, And personally I'm not nit picky about commas and all that stuff so I won't try and even pretend I looked at commas and stuff haha =P. Well Good job =)