Young Writers Society

Hello, dear.

Since this is the first review I have done of your writing, let me know if you need anything explained or that my handwriting is illegible.



1. I am not bothered by the mention of "La Marseillaise" because I think it adds something to the poem. Also, I hate to be a stickler for history, but I am a history buff. "La Marseillaise" was only adopted as the national anthem of France in 1795. It was written in 1792 by Claude Rouget de Lisle and originally titled "Chant de guerre pour l'Armée du Rhine" or in english, "War Song for the Army of the Rhine". This was a popular song of the time thus leading to it becoming France's national anthem.

2. I also like the image of "bonbon eyes". To me, it speaks of the queen's frivolous indulgence. Also, I get the image akin to anime where the character's eyes get large and an image of whatever they want flashes in them--here I get candy.

3. I think this poem is a great start to something even better, and if you cut away all the unneeded language I think it would do wonders.

Hope this helps,
Cal.

Hello blackbird.

You've got yourself quite an interesting subject here, and doing quite well with. I'm not going to go much into gushing about vocabulary/imagery/etc, since everyone that reviewed before has more than covered that. I have a problem here, and it's that I can't take this poem seriously.

Please. Be sure of what a word means before you use, because you're tripping yourself up with the gratuitous French a lot here.

Frivolous princess, blasé queen—

then the mise-en-scène morphs:

she obeys. She marches to La Marseillaise,
the queen in royal rags, maker of her own danse macabre,

the queen’s demise by a surgeon’s blade,
her bonbon-eyes protruding,
eggshell-cheeks smeared with a red
more virulent than any rouge.

Whoooooooaaaa. This is some serious awesomeness here. To be honest, I really hate to waltz in and write a gushing review for a poem that is already on the "Featured Works" list, but here goes......

Your language was beautiful, first of all. I think you captured the superflicial glitter of Versailles, and the queen herself. However, despite the first line, "Frivolous princess, blasé queen—" you presented her as nonetheless a person, hiding inside a shell of satin and jewels. I must say I didn't quite understand the second stanza, what with her foot piercing a membrane and all, and the transition from the second to third stanzas seemed a tad abrupt, but you still handled it pretty well.

Cheers all around, and vive la France!

Hey there, as requested:

Naturally, I'm going to start with the language. I liked it a lot, it was very flowery, very impressive and very decisively chosen. Although it would have a very specific audience, noticably the people who can understand and grasp effect from your choice of the words, it still appeals to others as well as something they can admire. The way I see your poem here is more as a piece of art, celebrating language used to create image and emotion, instead of something that leaves me thinking heavily about effect on me as the reader. I don't know if that's what you were trying to do, but that was my interpretation.

The punctuation was well chosen in order to promote the poem's fluency to mass effect and although at some points your flowery language made the pace jump or dwell a little in general the poem is very comfortable to read. That's usually rare in terms of poetry, but you've done well with punctuation here.

In terms of content, the images were very mysterious, wonderous and surreal. Probably due to your language choices and my constant turning over of each word to feel an interpretation from it as the words in this poem aren't really everyday choices. However in the 4th stanza, I start to get that vivid feeling, the slow but swift attack of death, execution and punishment. In that very stanza the poem turns very dark and I think the effect from it is something mixed. It feels depressing, saddening, but enlightening too. Anyway, I can't get my head around whether or not that's a good thing.

Anyway, it was a brilliant poem to read.
Keep it up and I hope this helped,
Ben

Hi there, blackbird! Here to review, as requested. (Sorry it took so long, my laptop died...>.>).

Punctuation
Wow; I can't tell you how nice it was to see someone who, it appears, reviews their poem themselves before posting it. I usually have a ton of punctuation nitpicks, but in this case, I don't have any. The one nitpick I did have was pointed out by Skins; so just take that into account.

Language
Oh, dear. I loved the words you used in this poem. However, it was a bit difficult to read. I did end up re-reading this a few times over, just to make sure I had the clear picture in my head. Even if you are a whiz with words, just remember that the vast majority of the audience isn't. Still, most of this was pretty clear & that's good to see.

Flow
You had a nice flow throughout the whole length of this poem, so nice job there. The big words didn't even interfere with this, so, nice work.

Overall
Ha. I feel so useless; there really wasn't much to critique here. I feel like this is one of the most well-written poems I have seen on YWS for awhile, so super job there.

Keep up the great work & I'll see you around.

~Mizz

Heya

I'm here to review as requested. My internet has been really dodgy lately, so sorry I couldn't get this done for you sooner. My internet's fixed now though, so I hope it'll be for a while!

rose-bitten lips, crown gnawing her scalp,
diamonds clawing at her throat.

She finds herself in a cage of spines,
its bars wet with noble blood#FF0000 ">.
#FF0000 ">The chant of her name

Hey,

I think most things in the poem were historically accurate which is a bonus.

This is a beautiful poem full of rich imagery that really jumps out and captures the readers attention. I like the way you described the hall of mirrors. You description of her crown and necklace jewels are astounding. I am slightly jealous. This is a really excellent piece, you have done well to write this good. Well done XD

~Retro Disco666

This is really deep.

I love:

It transpires in a sliver of silence,
the queen’s demise by a surgeon’s blade,

and:

In the Hall of Mirrors she pauses,
unsure which reflection is herself:

Great imagination,
And amazing vocabulary,
Though this means I only truly understand half of the poem.

But I still love it because the flow is wonderful.

LOVE IT!