Woman in white
sheds her lace chrysalis,
bared and red,
muscles straining.
Shadows unfurl on walls
as candles gutter out,
the air raw with semen,
veil mangled on the floor.
Faceless tuxedo folds into her
starched and coarse against the skin.
Rutting and thrusting, a ceaseless scrape;
already a chore before a thrill.
In the window a familiar sight:
sallow skin, porcine eyes,
thin grin like a scar -
his gaze jolts her pulse.
Climbing to a twisted meridian,
the groom groans
her lover leers
the bride shudders and smiles.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
blackbird12,
I love how every time I log onto this site, there's a new work posted by you. It makes me happy. Well, I didn't expect this poem to be about sex, but why not? I mean, honestly.
I got a really thick feeling while I read this poem. The words are thick and they don't leave much room to breathe. I don't know. I found it all a bit frantic, but I guess the wedding night sex might be frantic. There were a few lines that didn't seem as strong as some of the others, such as, "shadows tumble on walls". How many times have we heard of shadows tumbling on walls? Dancing on walls? Find a stronger verb.
Besides that, I don't know what to say about the poem. You've caught the essence of a hot, steamy night in this, but this isn't enough. I don't leave this poem feeling anything other than, "Well, that was nice." There's nothing special about the poem. The great thing about poetry is the fact that you can really get into the emotions of this scene. What's the bride and groom feeling? What are they saying? What do they want to say? What do they think? I don't know. It's good, blackbird, but it's not great. You've used some good imagery, but that alone doesn't make this an effective poem.
I'm still your fan. Keep writing, and keep me posted.
-Jared
Wow, this was awesome. One of the things sought for in poetry is imagery, and you had a lot of great imagery. You did a great job using it to create a dark and sensual mood.
I admit, though, I was a little confused about the face in the window and its connection to the bride.