Published December 28, 2011
.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
141,721 Literary Works • 675,616 Reviews
Hello.
I read this twice, each time it becoming a little clearer, each time it feeling like there was something just out of reach for words.
I find this lovely, with all its metaphors and plot threads woven together, but I find they're a bit too loose. As Sarg said, it passes quickly for there to be much staying power, but I find that leads to something else... a lack of resolution.
I did find this piece lingered for me, if only because I love puzzles. But it feels like there is a piece missing. I'm not sure if I like that or not. You have threads about virgins, death, a young couple, roses and a nearly-hidden line about hair being cut. All these nearly weave together to form a picture, but it feels foggy. Instead of a piece we can weave in our own meaning, there's just enough information I feel I should be able to put it together, but I'm not sure I can.
Again, I'm not sure if I like this. Some of it could be the shortness of the work, and I'm sure part of it is how poetic this piece is. So much is hidden I'm not sure I can find all of it.
At the same time, I'm not sure I'd change much if anything in this piece. I have a feeling this could be made a touch clearer with a single line, but where and what it is escapes me. I don't want to see this piece's poetic and ephemeral nature changed, because that is what makes it beautiful.
Overall, rather nice work. A different style than I'm used to, but it was a nice little read that lingers if you take the time to read it with wonder at every little thing. A very nuanced piece.
PM me if you have any questions/comments.
~Rosey
Gorgeous. Quiet and dignified without trying too hard or seeking complications or claiming redemption in such a short story. That is probably its only flaw: it's too short and is a character study instead of a story. It's beautiful, but it passes too quickly through the taste buds and is forgotten all too soon. I didn't feel any permanence from it. No staying power to occupy the mind or exercise the thoughts.
I could have done without the "the body at war with the soul" line. It feels a little too blatant and blunt for my taste.
Other than that, I have little to say. If there were a 'like' button, I would click it. *click*