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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
See, I told you I'd get to this eventually. Thank you for finally posting this.
Alright, dear, I won't crucify you for your weird enjambement since I know you're aware of it but do keep in mind is lessens the experience with the rest of the poem.
This is a beautiful stanza and I feel it's where the strength of your poem lies. The other stanzas seem forced, strained to fit in with your idea. I do realize it takes you a long time to write a poem and that may have an effect on it, but this stanza here is really well contained and the imagery is powerful and relevant in comparison to the following stanza that seems like a weak jab into the air in an attempt to hang onto your reader.
This stanza's weak when it has the potential to be almost as strong as the stanza above it, but you kill it with "where life once lingered". That line in itself seems to blatantly obvious to your reader because you've said 'tomb' and 'shells' which both imply exactly what you've reiterated. All in all, it immediately seems almost like dumbing your poem down and takes us briefly away from that really strong imagery you had going earlier by making it very concrete and graspable in a boring way.
- fix your freaky enjambment
- recognize the peaks and troughs of your poem and work to emphasize the peaks.
- don't dumb down your poem unintentionally with fruitless reiterations
We can chat about this more.
Kamas
Wow mate...Just wow, I was genuinely moved, it made me think of underground caves, giant eyes, and massive storms, Incredible is a pretty adequate description. Great imagery and masterful flow, I did find the last stanza a tad confusing though, "As in fasting?" I think that's what was said, I didn't exactly get that, perhaps it's because i'm reading this without my morning coffee xD Anyway, I still loved it, keep writing mate, cause i'll see you become famous one day
I learned from my poems and reveiws that stanzas should fit like you would when you say something. If you pause at the end of each stanza, does it sound right? I would use that on my next poem, tips I get like that are real helpful. I love your poem, it's thought-provoking. I like the title, too. It matches your poem. I say keep on writing, you have a gift!