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125,012 Literary Works • 672,842 Reviews
Recently finished revising this, decided to post the finished version.
Haha, I thought the ellipsis was the poem at first, and I "liked" it for your very clever idea. And then I read retrodisco's comment and realized. Silly me. But, I'm sure your poem was very nice too.
~Ireyl
Hey,
i think this is a very clever idea. To start of with I wasn't sure where you were going with it, but I think you pulled it off.
However, it would be pointless just saying that and I intend to refer you to an analogy which I use a lot. A poem is like balanced scales. The perfect poem is balanced between emotion and description. This however, is unbalanced. You have an abundance of description, which is superb, but it is not backed up with any feelings. The title and the ideals within the piece give you the perfect oppurtunity to do this.
Here is a prime example. It is a superb piece of description but it has no-emotion to back it up, which is a real let down for me.
My other point which kind of links in is the title. You have a perfect title to exploit emotions and it is still distant, so I think you should exploit this more.
However these are just my opinions do with it what you will
OVERALL
I liked it still, I just think it needs a little work to make it perfect. Regardless I will have to like it!
PM me for anything
~Retro Disco666