Published December 28, 2007
*I have some difficulty with punctuating poems, so any pointers would be appreciated*
Under the Never-Ending Sky
Under the never-ending sky
in the field of deepest green
the fairy court there sleeping lie
by all human eyes unseen -
unless you should be passing by
when they dance to honour their queen.
Seen only in the pale moonlight
what a sight 'tis to behold -
the wond'rous queen who's their delight
wearing a crown of pure gold.
And if you remain out of sight
you may watch the night unfold.
But mind you tarry not, dear friend,
for if you should too long stay
your trait'rous mind will quickly bend
when you hear their music play,
and the entire night you will spend;
for you'll dance the time away.
But should you dance the whole night long
you mayn't leave when comes the morn
for the fairy spell is too strong
to break in the light of dawn.
So you will join the fairy throng
and from human life be torn.
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140,793 Literary Works • 673,688 Reviews
I don't have any edits that she didn't mention... but I do want to say (nothing against you, Wolf, just personal preference) that I like the line "for if you should too long stay". I like writing in that style, and I think you put it in there very well. Also, Wolf, torn and throng aren't supposed to rhyme... but "dawn" doesn't really rhyme with torn and morn either... but again, you can get away with it--it's not too bad.
Wolf, I'm not trying to criticize you, because I think that here, as with most places, you did a wonderful job. I'm just saying that I think differently.
Overall, I think that it was a very well-written song, with a few punctuation errors, and maybe a couple rhythm issues as well. As for content... I think that it is slightly cliche, but in this case it's all right. I'll give it an 8/10 (actually a pretty good score from me, a lot of stuff doesn't get past 7/10). That means that I think it was very good.
Keep writing!
Teh Wozzinator (Now it's official!)
Hi bkwrm, lilmisswritergal here. Can I just say, that this is a beautiful song, which I would love to use in my Script: The Cane of Albrithi, as it is the sort of song that my fairy character Emerald would sing, and I just think that it would fit in really well. Do I have your permission to use the song? I will put it in under your name, of course, and make sure that EVERYONE KNOWS THAT IT IS YOUR WORK! It would be great to collaborate and I hope that you won't take offence.
*lilmisswritergal* also known as Glinda the Good (look @ avatar)
Thanks for your comments - it's nice to know you like my poem. I agree, the topic is fairly simple - after all, it's the usual story; stay too long with the fairies and you can't go back. About the length of the lines - I've tried to stick to a pattern of eight syllables, seven syllables but I can't quite make some lines fit. However, I haven't gone over eight syllables anywhere, so i think it works okay. Thanks again for your comments,
Bkwrm
bkwrm -
This is a pretty good poem.
You have beautiful imagery, and the theme is vaguely original; but I get the feeling that I've read lots of poems about fairy queens before. However, I like this.
It's very simple, though. You've tied together your stanzas nicely but the stanzas themselves are just pretty scenes; no depth.
But it is beautiful in it's simplicity. And besides, not all poems have to have deep, hidden meanings.
You wanted punctuation...
kb.php?cat_id=7&article=Poetry-and-Punctuation
The link above is to one of the YWS articles. Hope it helps!
I also noticed some flow issues with this. Nothing big, but they're still a little jarring to read.
The last line is underlined because it is a bit wordy compared to the rest of the lines.
The line that I underlined seems too short, so I think you should add a two-syllable adjective before 'gold'.
Oh, and you spelled 'delight wrong'.
I don't like the way you worded the second line....but I can't think of how you could change it. I'm horrible at writing rhyming lyrics and/or poetry. >.<
'Torn' and 'throng' don't exactly rhyme, but I think you can get away with it.
Overall...*drum roll, please*
This has some potential; Don't give up on it. You just need to fix some flow issues and add punctuation, though not all poems require that.
This is very simple, but I don't know whether you want it that way or not. Keep writing!
-Camille
Brilliant piece. Amazing work!
beautiful. Great imagery. Yes you could use some puntuation pointer but i'm in a tearing hurry right now. I will however try and get back to ur and leave a comment...but i decided to let you know first that i really really liked this poem.