Published October 13, 2010
I sit here and cry
Stuck in the middle of your new lie.
My heart shatters
Your interest in me scatters
I fell in love with you
You just wanted to play with something new
I thought I could survive anything
Now I can't stand to hear a happy bird sing
You with her hurts my head
Part of me is finally dead.
I thought your betrayal wouldn't hurt
But you threw me in the dirt
How do I get through this
I no longer know where my heart is
Time ticks away on the clock
Your fake love, only came to mock
My thoughts of you must fade
Before any other decision is made
My heart, I must find
Before I loose my mind
I know what I must do
Just remember, I'll always love you.
But I'll always hate you, too.
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141,639 Literary Works • 675,300 Reviews
Hey!!! Okay, here's my review:
Just fix that typo and your grammar should be all set. Now, for the story portion: This poem was incredibly heartfelt and I could feel all the emotions that your narrator is feeling. The only thing I would reccomend is fixing the ending. Yes, she might still love him after he dumped her, but she should say something other than the fact that she loves him. What about all the things he put her through? There should be some mention of how she also hates him for what he did to her.
Other than those little things, I'd say you're well on your way to having this perfect!
Cya,
Luxy
Red= typo. Is it supposed to be thought, or all though? make sure to revise that!
The poem's great exept for this. I don't feel like THIS and IS rhyme. Maybe you could have the second line be something ending in WISH?
Otherwise, I loved it. Great feel to it.