Warning: This work has been rated 16+.
I can't hide it,
The fact that it bothers me.
You can't see it,
but trust me it's there.
And oh you'll see it eventually.
And I know you'll lie
and say you don't care.
You don't care that the stress
eats away at my face
or that my fear of death has me choked.
You say nothing of me
has changed in your eyes,
but you can't see as well;
there's been smoke.
I can't see either.
I'm not in my right mind.
My body betrayed me.
There's no cure that I can find.
My waist is tucked.
My chin is slim.
I look better than ever,
and only I know that I'm broken.
Hidden in the depths of me,
an evil has made home.
The outside of me is perfect
but I've never felt so alone.
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139,524 Literary Works • 672,598 Reviews
Hey, here for a quick review, let's get straight to it shall we?;
First of all, wow, instantly this poem has made a huge impact towards me, mainly because I can relate exactly to the persona within this poem and just....wow...like 10/10 right there amazing job!
"I look better than ever,
and only I know that I'm broken."
I think this part right here really is somewhat relatable to teenagers in today's world. The fact that although you may look fit and strong on the outside doesn't always mean that the person is alright, like you mentioned "...only I know that I'm broken". I think you really touched a lot of audiences hearts there so fantastic job.
Hidden in the depths of me,
an evil has made home.
The outside of me is perfect
but I've never felt so alone.
This part here to me was an excellent way to bring this poem to an end, it drove out the main point of this poem and it for sure definitely relates to many people out there, especially me. Its depressing to see that so many people with such great potential wants to (16+ ONLY) end their lives when really its just a hidden "evil" inside you (as you mentioned)
Overall I loved this poem, it was pure talent and art, it left my jaw hanging in shock haha. Keep up the fabulous work! Hope to see more great pieces like these!!!
Hello, @bipolarbear! A belated welcome to YWS! I hope you like it here. Lets get on to the review!
Glows:
Wow, this was deep. You captured how no matter what you look like on the outside, you can be whatever you want on the inside. And I was just wondering: is this part right here:
"My waist is tucked.
My chin is slim.
I look better than ever,
and only I know that I'm broken."
supposed to represent an eating disorder?
I also thought that how you write it was really well.
Grows:
I noticed that sometimes it rhymes in a rhythm and other times it doesn't. Maybe go back and either get rid of all of the rhymes or add more. I also noticed that you capitalize things after you punctuate, which is unnecessary. You also don't need to punctuate, but you can if you want too.
I hope this review was helpful! Keep writing and have a great rest of you day/night. I hope to hear more from you!
Sincerely,
@hannah0528
I thought this was a very interesting poem. I think that it is about how we know something is wrong with us or feel something is wrong with us, and how no one notices or they just brush it off and say or think that nothing has changed or is wrong. Like when we need the help the most we don't get it because people think were fine but you can't really see it either so then it's just not very noticeable or maybe we just don't understand what is wrong with us but we know it has to be something, so we spend all this time trying to pick it apart and figure out why just constantly thinking why so then we start thinking of random things like maybe this is why or that is why so we try changing things but as we change things we realize that it isn't working or maybe it's not the right change and feeling like no one understands and not even you understanding it just creates this loneliness. I thought it was a great poem and as you can see it made me think quite a bit which is what you want when making a poem so I would say you did a amazing job on this poem, I really enjoyed it.
Wow, that's deep.