to be loved part 1

I stared into my locker, trying to find my notebook. I garbed it and closed the door. I looked over to see a beautiful boy next to me. he was shuffling through his locker. "are you new?" he looked up. He had perfect tan skin and piked black hair, he wore a thick jacket, destroyed jeans with rips and oil stains and black lace up boots. He had pierce yellow eyes that shined on me. i stooped, i felt like i my breath was taken away and time had stooped there. "Yeah I am. Can you help me?" He said with a smooth voice. "Im shiloh." He handed me his schedule, he had art,spanish, and literature with me. I smiled and told him were every class was. "You have literature with me next, and im Rasalynn." He flashed a quick white smile. we walked down the halls. girls stared but his yellow eyes locked on me. He opened the door to Mrs.Roberts literature class. i smiled. I sat down at the science lab like desk witch never made sense to me. Shiloh followed me and sat down. When the bell rang everyone sat down and got ready for the morning question, what is your favorite line of poetry? I wrote something from a book i don't remember the name to but the quote stuck to me. Mrs.Roberts was a kooky lady who had her room decorated in red drapes and had odd lighting. She had books stacked every where. She dressed odd too. She always wore a scarf that was a different color every day and she had half-moon glasses that were purple. A loud timer went off. "okay class. lets see what you wrote today." She looked around. "lets see, how about you?" She said looking at Shiloh. He got up. "Whats your name son? come up in front of the class." He stood up and walked to the only chalk board in school. "I'm Shiloh, and i wrote a quote from Romeo and Juliet."he cleared his throat. "Is there no pity sitting in the clouds That sees into the bottom of my grief? O sweet my mother, cast me not away! Delay this marriage for a month, a week, Or if you do not, make the bridal bed In that dim monument where Tybalt lies." He said in his normal smooth tone. Mrs.Roberts clapped with a sly smile. "Fantastic! simply wonderful!" she said. He went back to sit down. "wow that was different." He said. I laughed. I went through a class of staring at Shiloh.

The bell rang and I walked back to my locker with Shiloh. "well isn't she odd?" I nodded. "Yeah she gets to be odd." I said laughing. He smiled. I opened my locker and grabbed my science binder. "I'll see you later." he gave me a hug. "see ya'" I bite my lip and waved as he walked away. his yellow eyes still locked on me as he turned the corner. I still smiled, And walked off. I sat in my desk and took down my notes. I couldn't get the image of Shiloh's yellow eyes out of my head. The bell rang, witch made me slightly jump. I started to walk to my locker until i was stooped by a pair of pink heels. I shrugged. I looked up to a girl with bottle blonde hair and a hot pink dress. "what do you want Amy?" I said annoyed at her. "I want to know who the knew boy is and why he talks to you?" She said with a disgusting tone. She comped her gum and swung her new coach bag in my face. "Well I have no clue ask him." I pushed my way passed her. 'Well i'm going to get him like all of your other boyfriends." I walked to my locker I threw my science binder in there and slammed it shut. I walked to my Math class. I was still pissed so I just did my work. I walked straight to my art class and say down I slumped down in the table. Shiloh sat next to me. "okay is it me or do you look pissed?" He said. There is something about his voice that I love. I looked to see if Amy was coming and there she was, coming my way. I hated that she sat with me at my table. She sat down and smiled staring at Shiloh. "So your new, huh?" Shiloh nodded. "So Rasalynn, do you want o come over to my house today?" I nodded. Amy's face dropped. We laughed and giggled the rest of class. "Finally last class." He said. I nodded. "yeah i hate Spanish though." I said grabbing my notebook. "So whats up with that Amy chick?" I shrugged. "Shes a bottle blonde rich girl who has stolen every guy sense the 7 grade." He nodded. "Well i'm not going anywhere." He said holding my chin. I smiled biting my lip. I walked to Spanish with Shiloh and I sat at the desks. We went through class agian and when the bell rang I walked with him to our lockers...

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laylaflame
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I totally agree with above, try to improve the story line (such as from my first comment), and defiantly improve your gramma:) good luck!
-Layla Flame

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April Review
April wrote a review · Sun Apr 03, 2011 12:32 am

Good evening! I'm April! I'm a big vampire lover, but I'll try to review this with as little bias as possible

All I had to do was look at it and I knew this was going to be more of a chore then a pleasure to read. All I see is block. One big brick of crumbly concrete. Try spacing out your paragraphs? It makes things much easier to read.

I stared into my locker, trying to find my notebook.


The comma here wasn't necessary. It should have been written like -> I stared into my locker as I tried to find my notebook. Or -> I looked into my locker. I was trying to find my notebook.

garbed


Grabbed, just a spelling error.

"are you new?"


Starting a character's speech is like starting a new sentence. You capitalize the first word. Also, when starting dialog, start a new paragraph.

he looked up.


I could be wrong, but I thought the girl was talking. How did she ask? His actions should start on a new paragraph.

He had perfect tan skin and piked black hair, he wore a thick jacket, destroyed jeans with rips and oil stains and black lace up boots.


This just doesn't sit right with me. Try to describe his appearance gradually as she talks to him and he moves around. Also, we still don't know what the girl looks like.

He had pierce yellow eyes that shined on me.


Spelling errors. Piercing, shone.


i stooped, i felt like i my breath was taken away and time had stooped there.


I's are always capitalized when one their own. And another spelling error. Stood.

Here is where I give up. It's obvious that you didn't edit this before posting it. After you edit it PM me and I'll look it over again and tell you what I think.

#800000 ">v=v #FF0080 ">April #800000 ">v=v

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laylaflame
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I think you've got a nice idea here, although there are some spelling mistakes and a few small bits that could be improved. Overall, I think its well done for a first post.
I hope part 2 starts to introduce the characters more and shares some of their history. And try to be careful of cliches! try to give the characters more of a personality, especially the male lead because if your writing a romance for girls, you want them to fall in love with the love interest and keep them reading! I'll admit it was hard keeping track of who was talking and the dialog could be more interactive. The instant relationship between the main character was unbelievable.. but i think you can make up for it in part 2! So please keep writing:)
-Layla Flame



cron
The grand in the hotel rings with broken tunes; the guests frown; the concierge winces. But the blue-hatted boy is happy and braver than they.
— TheMythMaster