Published April 11, 2010
"Suzy, Suzy wake up!" I playfully slap her cheek.
"Victoria!" she yells, rubbing her face. I feel shock, then I feel my cheek. I felt it, when I slapped Suzy I felt it in my own cheek. Suzy gives me a dirty look and gets changed. Sometimes we are really close and sometimes I want to shoot her.
"You want to walk?" she asks. I nod, oh ya you are probably wondering were we are walking to. There is this thing that happens every year.I guess could call it a celebration but no one celebrates. Its called the Naming. The Naming of the hunters. Oh ya and you are probably also wondering why i felt my cheek being slapped when i slapped my sisters cheek, well... were twins. Not psycho twins, just twins. Suzy ran ahead because she heard the announcer,Gerald's, voice.
"Gerald", she giggles. "He is so dreamy!"
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139,727 Literary Works • 672,669 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
Anyway let's get right to it,
Well...this is a fun opening chapter, although on first glance, I have to say, this one doesn't really read like a proper first chapter here, and I'm not even saying this because of the somewhat smaller size here, it just seems like its a bit incomplete and you've sort of abruptly cut things off here right at the start of a conversation. If that was perhaps some form of attempted cliffhanger, that hasn't really worked out too well here so I think perhaps fleshing this conversation out just a teeny bit more would be a good step to be taking here.
Moving past that bit here and into the actual sort of scene you're trying to create here, we do have a few things that catch our interest as readers. The way things are setup is quite neat actually, and the hint of a dynamic that we do get between these characters from the little we see here is quite solid I think. Overall, its a pretty neat way to start off a first chapter, its just that for this to be a proper first chapter, it must first be finished.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Hi! This is my first review, so... yeah!
Should be: I nod. Oh yeah, you are probably wondering where we are walking to.
This sentence could be much smoother.
Should be: Oh yeah, and you are probably also wondering why I felt my cheek being slapped when I
slapped my sister's cheek. Well... we're twins.
A) Should be It's B) If you're going to put in its name, capitalize it: The Naming. The Naming of the Hunters. Also, you really only needed "The Naming of the Hunters".
The spacing was off. Remember to put a space after your punctuation. Something else that would help would paragraphing: a new paragraph starts every time someone else speaks, or at a scene change. This has potential, keep working at it.
Please post your novels in the novel section. Thanks. *Moved*
Hello,
As it is, I can't really say much more than I already did - although: slow down! Many characters here. Try introducting them gradually. You have time, so much time! So many words to use! Take advantage of that 
Welcome to YWS, capitalize your "i"s. Like, seriously. Dialogue punctuation can be studied here: topic44898.html
If you want a proper reviewm, you really have to write more than one paragraph
Usually when a new person speaks, he or she gets a new line. Enter's a dear friend. Around what they say - just build. Add descriptions, things necessary to move the plot forward.
So. Write more, post more, and then we'll talk :]
Esme
There is a lot of potential here, but still errors. Capitalize your "I"s of course when referring to yourself. And always a new line with dialogue.
I notice you repeat the word "cheek" quite often here. Try to limit that when you write. It tends to ruin the flow.
There's really no need for a comma outside of the quotation mark. It usually goes inside it if the statement isn't finished. So since you have a question mark, there's really no need for it. And put a space after all punctuation.
This sentence is basically two thoughts here. I would put a period after "I nod" and start a new sentence. That part is talking directly to the reader, I won't change it much because some writers use that as a style. Also: Where not were.
This could definitely use description, and maybe changing up the sentence structure more often, just to keep the reader interested. You also fall into telling instead of showing in a lot of cases, but with practice you'll get better. Watch your grammar and keep working on it! ^^
If you have any comments or anything, PM me!