I just want to sleep through the winters reign
I dressed once before, now I got to do it again
The coffee tastes as bitter as I pack my bags
I am as hot as a wet cigarette
I'd like to eat this breakfast but there's regret on my bread
I'd sell my dog to Satan just to go back to bed
They say the sky's the limit, it's what everyone knows
But when I tried to fly a jumbo jet broke my nose
I hate the retched stench of these old men on the street
Their cataclysmic coronation drives me insane
I grit my teeth look down and see some shit in my shoes
I read my propagandist textbook on my way to the school
I sat down with my report from the grateful dead
My scores have fallen like a fridge off a cliff
They said pack up your things you’re being moved to hell
I went back to my school to steal the pens from my mates
Satan told me how I have been wasting his time
And then he took my last dime
All I wanted, was to go back to bed
Things were better when I rested my head
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140,764 Literary Works • 673,687 Reviews
This poem was under the conmedy section.
I don't see how this is comedy,however I do like it
theres a few things that dont make sense to me
Other than that it is really good
punctition is another thing just add some at the end of the stanzas
This is a really good poem
Hi, bhargav
I'm Gigi here with a review...
I, much like @kosita have mixed feelings about this poem. You kinda lost me with the theme/moral of the poem. I didn't really understand it. There are several lines like the following:
I am as hot as a wet cigarette
Their cataclysmic coronation drives me insane
I like this one though:
They say the sky's the limit, it's what everyone knows
Another thing would be that you don't really have stanzas and/or punctuation. It kinda makes the flow tad bit weird...
No hard feelings. Keep writing!!
~Giginicole
hey Gigi! I am thankful of your review. But here's something I would like to point out about the wet cigerette line. It's kinda irony or sarcasam, i.e. , I mean to say that I am not hot, just like a wet cigrette. I don't know if that made any sense
OHHH, LOL!!! That makes sense!!! LOL sorry!!!!
Hello there bhargav1
I am Costia and I will be giving you a brief review on your poem.
The truth is that I have mixed feelings about this piece. Your vocabulary and structure is okay for the most part. You used interesting and strong words. I appreciated the sarcasm and satire of the piece. I believe you were intended to use these elements.
However I must say that if this is not intended to be a satire, I would find it a bit disturbing.
With that being said I will make you some comments and suggestions.
"The coffee tastes as bitter as I pack my bags
I am as hot as a wet cigarette"
If here the word "wet" doesn't hold a specificmeaning for you in order to make your point.(I would think it did) I would suggest you to replace it with "burning" since it sounds better and is more fitting.
"I'd sell my dog to Satan just to go back to bed"
The word "Satan" here was kind of strong and agressive to me. I would personaly replace it with "devil". It is more general and symbolic, I think it would fit better in a sarcastic tone.
"Satan told me how I have been wasting his time" same here
Other than thad I did enjoy the ending.
"And then he took my last dime
All I wanted, was to go back to bed
Things were better when I rested my head"
I am not sure if seperating it to stanzas would make it better. Maybe it would lose its flow.
Overall if that was a satiric piece, it was very well writen with some aspects of dark humor in it. If so it was funny and clever. However if not it would be an unpleasent read.
Overall good effort, good sattire.
So I guess that's all I had to say.
Definately interesting!
Keep Writing!
Best Regards
Costia
well, its satire, although originally it wasn't supposed to be. anyhoo, I am grateful of your review. thanks my man.