Young Writers Society

Thankyou guys. Your advice has helped me and I am starting to get better. I hope I see you two around some time.

~'~Beth~'~

I second everything bubbles said, pretty much.

This piece doesn't stand out as poetry because I could probably construct it from the lines of other uninteresting poems and pop songs. How shall we remedy this situation?

-Write in complete sentences. It's much more eloquent and easy to understand than a string of phrases.

-Use specific language, and show, don't tell. Instead of saying, "The song is really awesome," show us why it is. Instead of saying you feel happy, try to convey that sensation you get when you listen to music you like, or things you do when you're happy.

-Read lots of good poetry. Nothing will help you more.

-Colleen

Hi bethany, welcome to YWS!

There are two main things I'd like to see you do with this poem. The first is spelling. You may not know this, but YWS has a built-in spell check - you can find the button right beneath the posting window. If you could use that before posting it would be great, and save members from pointing out your mistakes!

Secondly, punctuation. Try reading your poem out loud as it stands now. I bet you can't get through it all without taking at least one breath, can you? Punctuation is necessary in poetry as it is in prose, because it helps the reader know when to pause (and stops them from keeling over from lack of oxygen!) which in turn helps the flow of your poem.

Aside from that, the poem is OK. It's a bit "self-absorbed" insofar as it offers very little for the reader to interact with - there are no attempts to engage our imagination, and the focus is very much on the narrator. Next time you might want to try using a wider variety of poetic devices (e.g. metaphors and similes) to help your reader really experience the scene with you.

Look forward to seeing you around,

Cheers,
~bubbles