We all watched
with bated breaths,
nachos dripping
onto the floor,
unnoticed.
Beer put down,
fingers clasped,
eyes closed in prayer,
hoping for the impossible.
The one yard line,
far from us,
but not far enough,
was covered
in blue and white uniforms.
We knew
all they needed
was for Lynch
to make a jump
for the endzone.
We knew
that if he did,
he would probably
make it.
But still
we believed.
Believed that somehow,
in some way,
we would
win.
This was not just a game,
not to us.
This was a life line
for a business.
Another Christmas season
if only
the ball
did not touch
the hallowed ground of the endzone.
But we could do nothing
to stop
the snap into Russell Wilson’s hands.
We could do nothing
as he watched
for an opening
that could break our hearts.
We could do nothing
as he threw.
We could do nothing
as we watched it fall
so gently
into Patriot hands.
We sat
for a second
and looked at each other
not believing
what we had believed in
so fiercely a moment before.
We still did not believe
until the announcer
told us we could.
And then we did.
We jumped up
and hugged
and smiled
and sang the name
of the player
who saved us.
We learned his name,
memorized it.
Butler,
we said.
I know this is a little late but I thought I would put it up anyways.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Hi... I'm just here for a super quick review.
Okay- I'm going to focus on the presentation mostly, and format. BUT, not stanzas. So Don't worry... I noticed the reviewers below pointed that out already.
So, mainly I wanted to say the flow. It's a little choppy, to me. It could be improved by combing some lines together or even eliminating some words. (I have trouble with flow in poems too... :/)
Anyways, I feel like it could also use some emotion. It's about a sports game after all, and you need some excitement or that feeling in your chest when your team loses. Just expanding a little more on that could be great.
Besides that, I thought it was a nice poem that presented the idea of the Super Bowl nicely.
Great job, keep writing!
~ EternalRain ^.^
Thanks!
Salutations ClippedWings,
I suggest adding in some emotion/adjectives on how you felt instead of just giving us what you did.I majorly agree with theironnovelist about everything they suggested.
For those who did not watch the Superbowl, this is confusing near the end. What happened, really? (I know what did, but always assume your audience has no idea what you are talking about, because they usually don't.)
Hmm, other than that? The title. I, personally, do not deem "Pats Poem" to be sufficient. Even "The Patriots" or "The Game" would be better :/ (but, please, don't change it to those).
Last suggestion: At the end, when you say
I liked this because it focused specifically on one moment and told a story. It flowed nicely; some of the lines could be grouped together to improve on that, but most were good. I could really picture what was going here. I especially liked the lines:
Overall rating: 8/10
Keep writing!
+1
When I posted it, it had stanzas. I didn't notice until after. And, yeah I completely agree the title needs work.
Thanks for reviewing!
Sure-glad I could help! And if you want to put in stanzas (I've tried and I feel your pain--YWS formatting is icky) you could try putting in periods or * or something like that.
Oh. Good idea.
Happy to help ^_^ and thank you
Hey there!
First off....I know nothing about football.
BUT I do love poetry!
So I can review this from a writers' standpoint, not a sports fan's. xD sorry
Overall the poem's biggest issue is presentation/format
Break this up into stanzas if you can. I know YWS has been having some spacing issues when editing works, but putting * . or ~ in between broken stanzas should still work. This helps a lot to split stuff up and make it easier to read.
In the same way, this would flow nicer if you had longer lines mixed with shorter lines, rather than them all being super short.
And your author's note at the end, just for clarification of the readers, could be put in italics or marked as A/N so we know the poem is over:)
Sorry this is short and not really nit-picky but I'm tired and gotta get to 150 reviews today!
Hope I still helped.
Yours,
~iron.n
Thanks for reviewing! I'm not really a sports person either, but it's my dad's business to sell sports stuff so I watch the games.