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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
Hi! I'll be reviewing your poem today and hopefully it makes sense
I like your general idea and thought behind this poem. I like that you've done it from a woman's perspective and how you've talked as briefly throught he crucifixion.
However there are some things I'd like to adress that could help improve your poem.
Firstly, I have a problem with your opening line;
"The cross, just standing there" It sounds a bit awkward, to envision a cross standing? Maybe you could say, "The cross, silently stood there, or the cross.... then go on to describe it in depth on it's own, the cross is a very meaningful symbol that played a role in the crucifixion.
In this line;
"Jesus, saviour the almighty they called him"
Yes, you're right he was these things but at that moment in time, that's not what he was called, if you mentioned the insults they called him, the way they mocked him it would be more effective, it was a brutal time.
I suggest you take out all the rhyming it seems a bit forced and distracts from the actualy message of the poem you're trying to convey. I also suggest you include more imagery because, you, in the woman's perspective of the poem should have maybe described what you saw around you, the brokenness of people, so much blood shed, other women crying out helplessly, the sounds you can hear....etc.
Overall good poem and idea, It has potential to be a great poem if you just change up a few things.
- Infinity
Salutations. Different perspectives on things, I think, are always good.
I wonder exactly what the goal of this poem is. Is this to say something about this event? Or is it to give a female's perspective? Instead of just describing it, which has been done a lot, try to tell something through it or have a new outlook on it. If this was written to give a different view, make sure you make that clear.
There seems to be something odd with the spacing. Some of the sentences are a couple spaces out from the margin. Is that intentional?
I'm not sure this is the strongest choice for the first line of the poem. Maybe just "The cross" on its own line, perhaps?
I'm not sure this is the strongest way to describe what is to the person whose poem the viewpoint is from an important event. Try to make it more significant, showing more of the emotion felt by the viewpoint person.
Um...
I don't think the crying should be mentioned the second time. Perhaps talk about something else that would show the devastation she feels more than just her crying.
This stanza seems to have a lot of unneeded words. Things such as "I'm sure of it" and "I am not mistaken" are a bit unnecessary. The main idea of the stanza, which is that they will be devastated by the loss of Jesus, should be expressed, I think, in a more powerful way.
This stanza seems to not really fit with the rest of the poem. "If he could come back, that would be swell" doesn't seem to be the kind of thing this person would say in this situation. I kind of like the "there is no filling to that crack" line, but I think the stanza might be able to be put in an altogether more meaningful way.
One thing I noticed was that a lot of the rhymes seemed to be kind of forced: words and phrases were added just to fit the rhyme, such as "and I am not mistaken" or "stuck in all those pins." Try to make it so it doesn't seem as if you had to go far out of your way to make it rhyme. Also, the third stanza isn't a complete rhyme, while all the others were. Is that intentional?
Well, that's all I have to say. You have an interesting idea for the poem, but I think you should make sure to make the goal more direct and to add more powerful language in order to give the readers the feel of desperation this woman is feeling. Good luck with any future poems!
Hi bellanova and welcome to YWS! This is a great place to get feedback on your writing, and hopefully you'll return the favor by reviewing other pieces on here too!
Now, is this supposed to be Mary Magdalene or some other female follower describing the crucifixion of Jesus? If so, it is rather devoid in emotion. I think this is in part due to the rhyme scheme. Rhyming can work in poetry but it can really limit your word choice and use of imagery. Here I think it keeps the piece from really shining and makes you say confusing things. First you say she's trying, then you say she wants to cry?
I don't really think a contemporary of Jesus, even a believer, would describe him this way. They'd probably describe what he was to them: a teacher, a rabbi, a healer, a worker of miracles. They'd probably be confused, wondering why Jesus didn't save himself when he clearly could have. And "pins" is definitely not a good word choice for the big nails required to hold up a man. Neither is "swell", unless they lived in the 1950's.
Overall, I feel like this piece could have deeper emotions and imagery. Ditch the rhyme scheme as its not doing and favors. This is an interesting idea to work with, though. Keep writing and welcome again!