Touch of Death Chapter 2

Please read the spoiler:

Spoiler! :
Okay so this is not all of chapter two, it is only part one. The second part is coming shortly. I was also considering having this as part two of chapter one, but not quite sure right now. Any suggestions would be much appreciated :D

“Rowan!” My voice sounded coarse and tired as I stretched out my arm, trying to grab hold of his jumper, “You can’t leave; you haven’t told me you’re secret yet.”

He turned to face me and I realised that the man in front of me wasn’t Rowan. This man had dark eyes that seemed to see right through me and his lips were curled up in what could only be described as a snarl.

He looked almost animal like as he came towards me, arms outstretched. Instinctively I took a step back, my eyes searching for an escape route from this evil. He stopped just centimetres from me, and the smell emanating from his was putrid; it was a mixture of mould and smoke. It made my eyes water and I could not help but put my hand in front of my face, hoping that it would alleviate the smell. The man smirked, and everything about him screamed evil. I tried to turn and run, but I was frozen to the spot.

“You can’t escape you’re fate Ellie.” His voice was cold and menacing and sent shivers down my spine.

“Who are you? What do you want from me?” My voice sounded afraid, and this seemed to give him some kind of enjoyment.

“My name is Lucifer, and as for what I want from you, you will find out in due time.”

Lucifer? My mind raced over where I had heard this name before, it sounded so familiar but I couldn’t quite figure it out. I was still processing the name when I heard a faint beeping noise in the background. Lucifer must have heard it as well because he let out a snarl before vanishing. Just like that he was gone.

It wasn’t until I woke up lying on the couch that I realised it had been a dream. The beeping I had heard in the background was my alarm clock and despite usually hating the thing, I was grateful it had woken me from my nightmare that had seemed so real.

I walked upstairs to the bathroom, planning on having the shower that I had avoided last night. It turns out I was right as well, after fifteen minutes in the shower and a lot of struggling I finally managed to get all the knots out of my hair and found myself staring at my reflection in the mirror. My hazel eyes stared back, reminding me so much of my mothers. At the thought of my mum, thousands of memories sprang to life, one more prominent than the rest.

I could feel the afternoon sun gently warming up my skin. The smell of lavender filled the air, and I could hear the birds singing outside. My mother was in the kitchen baking, it was her favourite pastime. There was a knock at the door, and then everything happened at once.

I remember my mum’s terrified voice ringing through the house as she told me to run. I remember seeing two men rush through the door with a look of pure hatred on their face. I remember hearing the gun shot go off that ended my mother’s life. But most of all, I can remember hearing my mother’s final words as she lay, dying, on the kitchen floor.

“Ellie,” she said, “Whatever you decide, just remember that I love you.” And just like that she was gone.

I came back to the present, trying to rid myself of the memory that had caused me so much pain. It had been seven years since my mother was murdered, and for seven years I have been haunted by her final words. What decision was she talking about? I looked in the mirror again and realised that I had been crying. I wiped away the tears before grabbing my bag off the kitchen bench and driving to school, hoping to remove the memory from my head.

As I pulled into the full car park of Redwood High School I was once again confronted by the same scene I see every day. There are kids loitering around the car park, acting like they don’t have a care in the world - too absorbed by their own lives to give a crap about anyone else’s.

No one said hello to me as I walked down the hallway to my first class – History. Not that I mind that much, I’d rather gouge my eye out with a fork than talk to half the people here, but still, it’d be nice for someone to recognise my existence at least once.

My train of thought was disrupted as I passed a row of lockers and was overcome by a familiar smell – soap, cologne and something that I still wasn’t able to place. My head shot around like a meerkats, searching for the source of the smell – Rowan.

My eyes found him in a matter of seconds, and I once again found myself staring at this angelic figure. Almost as if he could sense me gawking Rowan turned around to face me and smiled. I did my best to smile back without looking totally goofy, and I think I accomplished my mission because he began to walk over to me.

“Hey,” he said casually as he stopped a few feet in front of me, “I’m sorry about yesterday at the gym, I had to go do something.”

“That’s fine,” I replied, still smiling, “I had to go to the dentist anyway.”

“So we still on for tonight?”

I had totally forgotten about my study date with Rowan. Okay so technically there was no need to throw the word date in there, but I liked the way it rolled off my tongue, especially when I put Rowan in the same sentence. “Yeah, as long as you can still come?”

“Yeah I’m fine with it. I have to go home first and pick up my books, but I’ll come to yours straight after? I’ll be there around four.”

“Four sounds perfect,” I replied with that stupid smile still plastered to my face.

“Great,” he said, “Well I have to go now; Mr Johnson doesn’t appreciate students being late. I’ll see you after school” He turned around and walked off, leaving me standing in the hallway with that stupid grin still on my face.

Comments & reviews · 4
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Thanks heaps for the reviews! As I said in the spoiler though this is only part one of chapter two, there is another section coming.

I will be sure to fix up all the punctuation mistakes and such as soon as possible (: Once again - thanks!

User avatar
Lollipopper
Review

Hi again:)

Great job on this! You're writing improved by ten-fold in just one chapter. Plenty of description! The only two things I could pick out was that it is still just going a teensy bit too fast, and that you may want to extend this chapter to fit the length of the other. Other than that I'm proud of you!:)

If you ever need a review, just ask...

--Lollipopper

User avatar
Dreamwalker
Review

Walker here, once again! I do what I can ;D

Nit-Picks:

Spoiler
“You can’t leave; you haven’t told me you’re secret yet.”


I know this is a dream, but this piece of dialogue sounds silly xD. I would change this, or start the chapter off with the beginning of the dream instead of just kind of throwing information into dialogue. Dialogue should be used for not only information, but also character development. This makes your character seem kind of silly.

This man had dark eyes that seemed to see right through me and his lips were curled up in what could only be described as a snarl.


Instinctively, my mind went to Twilight. Don't make this Twilight, kay?

Instinctively I took a step back, my eyes searching for an escape route from this evil


Comma after instinctively, please!

He looked almost animal like as he came towards me, arms outstretched.


Instead of a space being in between 'animal like' make it a dash.

. He stopped just centimetres from me, and the smell emanating from his was putrid;


His should be him.

It made my eyes water and I could not help but put my hand in front of my face, hoping that it would alleviate the smell
.

You use the word smell already in this paragraph. Change it to scent.

The man smirked, and everything about him screamed evil.


Comma isn't necessary.

I tried to turn and run, but I was frozen to the spot.


Again, comma not necessary.

“You can’t escape you’re fate Ellie.”


Comma after 'fate'.

My voice sounded afraid, and this seemed to give him some kind of enjoyment.


Change afraid to 'fearful'. Afraid sounds wonky.

My mind raced over where I had heard this name before, it sounded so familiar but I couldn’t quite figure it out.


Firstly, Lucifer is the name of the devil. That one's not hard to figure out xD. Secondly, the comma is spliced.

I was grateful it had woken me from my nightmare that had seemed so real.


Don't add in 'that had seemed so real'. We kind of got the just of that already. What I would like is a little more emotion. A little more shock and perspiration.

It turns out I was right as well, after fifteen minutes in the shower and a lot of struggling I finally managed to get all the knots out of my hair and found myself staring at my reflection in the mirror.


This is what I like to call 'the super sentence'. Its when a writer tries to shove in too much information into one sentence. Break this up, please and thanks!

My mother was in the kitchen baking, it was her favourite pastime.


Comma should be a semicolon.

There was a knock at the door, and then everything happened at once.


Again, this line sounds silly and static-like. Don't rush so much! I know you want to get to the action but patience is a virtue and one you need to develope if writing is your choice of hobbies or for some, even a career choice.

I remember seeing two men rush through the door with a look of pure hatred on their face.


There are two men so face should be faces.

What decision was she talking about?


One would usually think 'whatever you decide in life'. Thats where my mind went. Your character really shouldn't be suspicious about final words. It makes her look concieted as if she already knows the world has something more for her. This is just bad foreshadowing xP.

I wiped away the tears before grabbing my bag off the kitchen bench and driving to school, hoping to remove the memory from my head.


Again, super-sentence. Break this up, please and thanks!

As I pulled into the full car park of Redwood High School I was once again confronted by the same scene I see every day.


First, change car park to parking lot xD. It just sounds silly. Secondly, you jump tense. Keep the entirety of the sentence in past tense, please!

No one said hello to me as I walked down the hallway to my first class – History.


Not the proper use of a dash. In all honesty, that should be a semicolon.

Not that I mind that much, I’d rather gouge my eye out with a fork than talk to half the people here, but still, it’d be nice for someone to recognise my existence at least once.


Run-on. First comma was spliced. Secondly, I thought you said she was on the border-line in the first chapter. It means that not everyone knows her but some do so shes not really a loser, ne? Don't make it a pity party for her. Its irritating.

Almost as if he could sense me gawking Rowan turned around to face me and smiled.


You repeat me which you should try to avoid doing, and you should put a comma after 'gawking'.

“I’m sorry about yesterday at the gym, I had to go do something.”


Spliced comma.

I had totally forgotten about my study date with Rowan.


For someone who thinks about this guy constantly, its a little strange that she should forget, don't you think? Like if it were you who was asked to do a study date with the guy of your dreams, would you forget? I would have been like, oh well, he forgot, or something and than be surprised that he remembered xD.

Okay so technically there was no need to throw the word date in there, but I liked the way it rolled off my tongue, especially when I put Rowan in the same sentence.


She thought it. It never rolled off her tongue xD.

I replied with that stupid smile still plastered to my face.


We get she's smiling xD. Don't overdue it.

Well I have to go now; Mr Johnson doesn’t appreciate students being late.


Like I said in a previous review, don't put semicolons in dialogue. It makes it unbelievable.


Overall:

Okay, so I'm seeing we are starting to get a little better! Congratulations on that frontier! But there is still a ton of work that needs to be done to make this shiny and wonderful.

Firstly, I want to speak about your punctuation as I had done prior. Please, please, please remember proper punctuation! Nothing looks worse on a writer than a misplaced semicolon or an over-abundance of spliced commas. If you want people to take this seriously, than write this seriously and reread your work constantly. Small things like spliced commas will be easily spotted out if you become uber meticulous!

Next, your dialogue. This area, once again, is a little not great. You need to work on how you precieve people to speak. If you wouldn't say it, they shouldn't. Dialogue is one of the most important parts of writing so you need to keep that going.

Thirdly, I'd like to speak about your rushing. You are all about 'plot' 'plot' 'plot' which in itself still appears to be rather unoriginal until proven to be better later on. If you are going to keep this the way it is, then slow it down and really put in the time and effort on you character and inner voice. I want to see you giving the emotion that is so necessary when writing in first person. If you can't do it, switch to third.

And lastly, pick it up on your description. Your setting lacks because there is hardly any. You have no metaphors or similies. In all of its entirety, your writing style is bland. You write without the colour and zeal that make writers popular or readers, read. Even Stephanie Meyer, who I hold quite the disdain for, writes with colour and passion, whether or not her characters are any good or her plotline speaks to anyone but a prepubescient teenage girl.

So really, work on your structure. Its needs your time and effort.

~Walker

User avatar
Soulkana
Review

I like how this is turning out very well!!! Good job and keep up the good work...you described the characters and the scene very well and I could easily picture what was happening. I didn't find any spelling or grammar errors but I"m not good with most grammar so I'm not much help in that department. I liked this and I can't wait for more!!! Keep up the good work and may you receive many helpful reviews!!!!! Happy Writing and best of wishes!!!!
Soulkana<3



Homo sum, humani nihil a me alienum puto (I am a man, I don't consider anything human foreign to me)
— Terence