Hello turtle
Stepping lightly upon the wet peat
Surrounding the pond
Careful not to slip
Little turtle….
For falling on a slippery slope
Even your hard shell will not save you
Maybe you will not feel pain
A Resilient creature you are
Turtle…
But cowardly
Indeed.
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Canary word: Present
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
I nearly died when I read this! I was in a particularly angry mood at this point,
so if you got that bond feeling it is completely validated haha!
Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha.......hilarious...
First of all, I need to repeat the plea that you stick to one point of view. "Careful not to slip" and then the next line "Little Turtle..." are particularly jarring.
And this poem seems to have been written by a Bond villain. The lines are peppered with things like "oh yes" and "little turtle" and "maybe you will not feel pain" which are best kept for when one is lowering 007 into a shark-tank. It's this weird manner of speaking which makes the author the primary point of interest in this poem, and not the turtle. I expected another stanza along the lines of:
I'll get you
little turtle
you'll make a great
soup
Because basically, that's the feeling of this poem. And if you don't want that, then you've got a massive feeling problem.
And what exactly is this poem trying to tell us? Is it trying to inform us about turtles? Is it trying to make a turtle seem weak? Is it merely an observation of nature? It's really baffling as to what you intended with this. The last lines throw the whole poem into confusion. Any kind of a hint would be great, more imagery, more voice, but where we are now, I simply am lost.
Hi Beemarie! I shall be reviewing your poem tonight. *bows*
This is an interesting idea for a poem-very original which is great. However, the main thing I noticed is that you switch point of views a lot, which is not great. The first stanza is talking about the turtle, singular, in third person (he moves slowly throughout his day). In the second and third stanzas, you switch over to second person (even yourhard shell, you will still fall, etc), and in the fourth stanza, you start with second person (maybe you will not feel pain) and then go into third person, plural (resilient creatures they are). This makes the poem feel a little disorganized and jumpy. Personally, I liked the second person part the best, but the important thing is for you to choose one POV and stick with it throughout the entire piece.
And I also have one tiny nitpick-in the first stanza, you describe the turtle as interesting, but reading the next three lines the turtle seems a bit boring. Just keep word choice in mind as you edit
As I said, you have a good idea here. PM me if you need any more help!
xxxxx