Published December 20, 2008
The sunset creates
A halo on your hair
The pieces of my heart
Shed on my face
My heart is a filthy reminder of love lost
Of laughs shattered…
And talks that never mattered
Of times when I felt alive
I was dying slowly
But your heart goes on…
A singular beat of exaltation
Reigns supreme
As my heart refuses to beat
Because when you left
You took something of mine
And I never want it back
It’s forever changed
And mangled
In your hand
And you may want to be charitable
Hand it back without compensation
But your reasons are selfish
A disgusting guilt
That eats away at your soul…
Maybe you did love me.
I wish you did…
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I really liked how you transitioned from one line to another. Each had some relevance to the line before it which makes the poem flow a lot nicer.
Hello there Beemarie!
First of all, please don't "bump" your own posts! What this means, is don't post saying, "Will someone say something!" Be patient, reviews will come. Or you can look around the review for food section, or PM an instructor. But please don't bump.
This poem is interesting and filled with a lot of emotion, but I think you need to focus your idea into something more specific. First off, punctuate your poem. That will make it a lot easier to read.
Now when I say focus, I mean that you cover a lot of topics but rather than covering anything thoroughly and developing it so that the reader feels with you, relates, understands, etc you just skim right over it and move on to the next.
This could be a poem on its own, if you developed it further. Rather than just telling your reader a bunch of things, why not show them, too? Describe what your heart is like. What the situation is like. It might be easier if you chose a specific instance with the speaker and the other person and talked about that.
What I'm really getting at is that you need to include the reader. How can you make the reader feel what you feel? Use vivid descriptions and imagery to describe things that express your feelings. As it stands, your excluding the reader entirely because you're the only one who understands what you're talking about in the poem.
I hope this helps!
Powerful stuff! I really enjoyed the two opening lines.
I think you did a great job!
-PG
thanks for your comments!