Published December 20, 2008
The sunset creates a halo on your hair
The pieces of my heart shed on my face
My heart is a filthy reminder of love lost
Of laughs shattered
And talks that never mattered
Of times when I felt alive
I was dying slowly inside
But your heart goes on…
A singular beat of exaltation
Reigns supreme
As my heart refuses to beat
Because when you left
You took something of mine
And I never want it back
It’s forever changed
And mangled
In your hand
And you may want to be charitable
Hand it back without compensation
But your reasons are selfish
A disgusting guilt
A powerful feeling
Is it distress?
Or love?
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140,622 Literary Works • 673,563 Reviews
"You took something of mine
And I never want it back
It’s forever changed
And mangled
In your hand"
I love this. Amazing.
Your poem was beautiful. The only thing that i saw wrong with it was the punctuation (but that's give or take in poetry, eh?).
This is so cute... but it could have some more emotion. When I read this, it's like I'm hearing someone reminisce; but they are emotionless.
I love the first two lines, though. Nice description and very well structured.
So, sorry if this isn't any help but I suggest that you try adding some more emotion. Perhaps elaborating on how it got to this this point and what exactly this other person did?
I love those first two lines, though... so don't change those!
~LIF
P.S Happy Holidays!
Hey beemarie425! I'm kissthewitch and I'll be reviewing your poem today.
First, two little things:
You obviously have some experience with this situation, and it shows. But I noticed that a lot of your poem is about "your heart beats, but mine doesn't, now give it back, I don't want it" etc, etc. It gets a bit repetitive, and then the end doesn't seem to fit. Is it love or distress? It's fairly uninteresting, and doesn't do the rest of the poem justice. Of course, these are just suggestions-feel free to ignore if you don't agree
I really did enjoy reading this, you did a great job! Just edit it a little and I think it will be excellent. PM me if you need any more help and I shall be glad to assist.