Published August 15, 2009
Three Marks
All alone in a crowded place
Thriving off revolt and counterfeit grace
Just a mortal that’s clashing with space
Outlined with grudge and blood stained lace
Three marks after each question
Mind overflowing with aggression
Trying to surrender to my obsession
While flying high on wrong discretion
Pushing through the empty gateway
Minds are bursting on screaming freight ways
Tomorrow’s craze will shadow today’s
Despite hopeless attempts to cut it away
Three marks on a bloody conscious
Try as one may the voices persist
Failing, falling beneath the abyss
In vain, all I ask for is
One.
Last.
Kiss.
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141,633 Literary Works • 675,281 Reviews
First off, excellent poem. Very vivid, and excellent choice of topic. However, there was no punctuation until the very end. In some poems, that's acceptable, but it's a very special case when it is. I like your rhyming scheme. It's pretty effective if you aren't really paying attention to it, and even more so when you are. Just a couple of things I noticed.
I think I'd like this line better with "that's" taken out, so it reads, "Just a mortal, clashing with space / Outlined with grudge and blood-stained lace." (Since "blood-stained" is one adjective for "lace", it needs to be hyphenated.)
I'm thinking "Three marks after every question" and "While flying high on ill discretion". Just a suggestion.
Did you mean "conscience" rather than "conscious"? "Conscious" is "awake, alert"; "conscience" is your moral compass.
You can't fall under a huge hold. "Into the abyss".
Overall, an excellent poem with great imagery and a powerful message.
Excellent job, keep it up,
kf