Published May 11, 2009
INCENSE
you got me incense, and now im burning it.
its called "love"
and it is so perfect for us right now...
'love'
set aflame.
and its exciting.
and beautiful.
and then i blow it out.
im sitting here watching it.
love.
your love...
its slowly burning up.
slowly diminishing.
im watching it fade away.
but i can't stop it now that its started...
soon there will be nothing left.
except for the pretty smell that once was. the only hint of beauty that was there just a minute ago.
its funny now, actually, because the smoke is engulfing me.
trying to hold on.
trying to hold me back.
your love is sorrounding me, begging me to stop it from dissapearing.
but its not my choice... and it just keeps burning away.
i feel you. i smell you.
but im moving now.
because its making me cry.
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Right, I will change that line. I don't know why I had it like that anyways... And I'll change the capitalization.
I guess you can use it, can I ask why?
Wow. This one...I get mixed feelings.
I like it in that it depicts what I went through with my own best friend, back in September. It makes all the rage and emotion swell within me again, making me recall the pain of the fall out.
But I don't like it in that your language is a little rough. Your phrases are a bit choppy, and then, like here:
...you have thrown in lines that should probably be broken down smaller. The really, really long pieces don't fit the theme of the poem, where you have everything else written in one to four words per line. Also, capitalize the beginnings of each sentence, so we know where each sentence starts.
Good job though. Hey, do you mind if I use your poem in an English project?
Hi Bass! My brother plays bass. I hear it's pretty addicting once you can actually play it... but no matter. To the writing at hand:
• Nice beginning.
• Here, we always stress good grammar and spelling. That includes, unfortunately for you, contraptions, capitalization and the like. And I do see issues with the contraptions. I'm sure you're aware that "im" should be "I'm." It even should be capitalized! *Gasp.* (Unless you meant the "instant message" kind of im, but I don't think so.) So, yes keep that in mind. I'll (Note contraption and capitalization) let you fix that, it's good practice.
• I experimentally put this into stanza form and look how awesome it looks. The other way was too long, and since you've already used stanza's with more than two lines, it looks fine.
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Well. that's it. I liked the analogy, it fits the purpose.
But, I'd like to point out the incense also has a very distinctive smell, which is the main point of this. In this poem you've disregarded that. You could fit that part into the poem, or change the analogy. Just the smelling part of incense is considered the most important part of it, not that it smokes. If you wanted that, you could compare love to a match or a sparkler or whatnot.
Otherwise, I did like it. It seemed like a song. There is a forum in which you can post lyrics. Scroll down to the very bottom of the literature forum pages and it should be there. There, you can not only post your lyrics but describe how you'd like the song to sound and everything. Pretty cool stuff.
That's it (truly.) Just keep in mind what I've said, and this could go far.
Peace, Love and Sugar Packets~
Forever Threnody