Published October 27, 2009
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140,548 Literary Works • 673,419 Reviews
i didnt read your whole story because i lost interest but as constructive criticism, i suggest that you be more clear on your details and your beginning was similiar to a musical pick up note.it sounded like something in the middle of the story. I suggest a better beginning thats mysterious and will lead the reader to want to know more. i know i seem harsh but i can guarentee that if you publish this, remarks will make my review look good so pleaz improve!
This was good! But you had a error that really bugged me. It wasn't too bad but, i don't know, it just got to me.
Grammar:
"He has just shifted from North Carolina. He has joined in the mid- term, so it is going to be difficult for him to cope up."
These two sentences and be combinded together.
Like so: "He has just shifted from North Carolina and has joined in the mid- term, so it is going to be difficult for him to cope up."
Other then the a couple of spelling errors it was AMaZING!
please read the story properly. who'll come to know who is a boy and who is a girl !!!
thank you- I'd been pretty sure she was a girl but i wasn't positive. As a result, I think you need to tell us more about Angi, so we understand her better. First off, you talk about Angi being fairly new to the school- is she from somewhere far away, or just somewhere else in India? I got mixed impressions.
Shouldn't it be catch up?A few nitpicks:
You repeat yourself here- it messes up the flow of the story. Maybe 'she gestured to someone outside the class, and boy came in' or 'and a boy entered' would work better? Just something so you don't repeat the same two words in a very short space.
The ending was catching. Good job and good luck with future chapters!
AGNI IS A GIRL!!!!!
i am interested in your story, i like the idea of the kid from North Carolina in India it is so ironic but perhaps you should explain Angi's story a little bit better... where is he from? what happen to him? and explain Esan character as well. but good story please continue.
Hiya! I think i noticed some errors, so i will try to help
Mkay, so here i begin with the first paragraph: Your opening sentence is not really attention grabbing. It more explains the background of the story, and that not a very good opener. Since you are telling this in first person, try to open with some of her thoughts of the annual function! Also, in bold, this should be one sentence. instead of the period, put a comma.
Try rewriting it like this: I was new at school and felt very shy, so my steps became awkward.
So, in your story, i noticed sometimes you throw a random sentence at us! this is one of them. I would love further explanation of how she "looked the best." that doesn't really make sense to me.
The bolded sentence is another one of those random things. I suggest deleting it altogether.
Okay, so this is basically one big run-on sentence. May i suggest writing it like this: "The bell rung, and our biology teacher, Ms. Surbhi, noted down the homework on the board. She gave us a last warning of what would happen if we do not finish our homework on time, then walked out of the class." It sounds better and more natural.
You jump from one scenario to the other. May i suggest not speaking of your biology class, since nothing important happens int hat class anyway?
From then on, everything sounded right.
Overall, i liked your story. You introduced a main character, and a guy, which obviously makes a story so much more appealing
I still wonder of how this is fantasy fiction, since everything seems pretty real. Keep going though, i will read the second one shortly!
~Classy
Ok, i'm gonna try and keep this short. Blue is for commenting, red for corrections.
Do you mean children who like to study? Sounds a bit fussy and essay type words, I would something like 'Nerds like me...' This gives a bit of an edge to the commentating, lets the story flow better and adds depth to the character.
Agian this seems a bit ridgid, I would put something like 'work' to empthasie in a brutish way what my character is all about and thats well work it seems at the moment. .
OK now it even seems to me that i am in a very picky mood today, but... This word just seems to interrupt the sentence flow, maybe use something like anyway to give an informal style to of writing
It seems to me that English is not your first language, apologies if I'm wrong. But certainly in the UK, English when written in informal way as, i think, would be good for this story, the language needs to have slang in and the more general gist of the way people speak.This adds more depth, flow and general greatness of the writing.
Overall I think I'm am in a nit picky mood, but good story liked the end with the twist and cliff hanger. I'm sure everyone and me would be glad to see you post the further part of your story
Hi! It's a really interesting read. I would like to definitely read more. And the fact that I've seen such situations in school makes me want to read it more.
Try adding a bit of everyday classroom humor as you progress. Would make a good read!
Keep up the work!
hmm. I like your writing, its ery interesting but some of the words dont fit well into the sentences for exp
"He has just shifted from North Carolina" A better word would be transfered its more common and politcally correct but thats just my opinion.
"She was more of an extrovert" not everyone knows what an extrovert is, be more simplistic. You need to use alot of compliated words to impress a reader, the simpler it is the easier it is for your reader to understand. Choose some more along the lines of she's more out-going or popular.
“Hi”, I said to the new boy”I am Agni. If you need any help, please feel free to ask me.
you only need this part. Please have the new kid respond to your statement that way we can gain a sense to what this other character is like. You gave him a profile but I don't know how he talks or who he is
"My English notebook has been submitted for correction. As soon as it is given back, I’ll give it to you.” This is an unnecesary sentence, and seems fairly robtic not all like a real person
"I just wished that unlike me, he wouldn’t be betrayed or cheated upon by his best friends". Interesting but you dont need the "or cheated upon". It takes away from the way your story flows
Any way can't wait to see your story unfold, I enjoyed it and think its got some potential
This is definitely a beginning to a story. Some of the grammar is weird, you call things different names... I don't know... Are you from India? that would explain the differences in names.