Suddenly everything was black. Fawn’s head was hurting more than ever. She didn’t know what was happening and couldn’t even bare to open her eyes. Something was wrong. She stopped thinking for some minutes, just to realize what was hurting. But unhappily she noted that everything was hurting.
Breathe, just breathe, was everything that was passing throw her head right now. She tried slowly to move some of her members but only the thought of doing it, was already unbearable.
She stayed for some more minutes paralyzed, waiting to get forces to open her eyes. With one deep breath she opened her eyes quickly, thinking that this way wouldn’t be so painfully, but unfortunately she was wrong. The pain as quick as the wink came to her head, but she kept the eyes opened knowing that if she closes it, would be impossible to open them again.
When the pain went away she got time to realize where she was and for her huge surprise, she had no idea. It seemed to be in a forest that would only exist in the human’s world. Big trees were surrounding her in a circle, and in that little space of sky that was shown throws the circle of trees, was a star. A huge shining star, and when she could focus it, it shined as bright as anything she would have ever saw. While she was looking at the sky with her eyes burning, because of the light, the star suddenly disappeared.
She couldn’t believe it. She had fell. How could something like this happen to her? She has fell into the human’s time line. One more time, the pain came back, but this time her body wasn’t hurting, her mind was. She couldn’t work over pressure. Fawn’s mind was ready to explode; she didn’t have any idea what to do. She needed time to think, to think how this could happen. How would she be able to come back to her time line?
Another shot of pain came throw her body. Stephen. Where could he be? With a force that she didn’t know where it came from, she got up from the floor with a jump. Her brother Stephen was everything she was thinking right now. If she has fallen, he would have fallen too. She started running throw the forest screaming his name. He needed to be close to her somewhere. “Stephen!” she was screaming as louder as she could, but nothing in response. The Circle! She finally thought. When she felt she made the circle. How could she be so stupid not to realize that? He has to have made one just like hers.
With this thought in her mind would be simple, she just needed to fly and she would see his circle. Wait a minute. Could she fly in this time line? She tried, but nothing happened. She did it again, and nothing, and then nothing, and nothing, and then nothing again. “You can’t work with pressure, Fawn!” she said it to herself. Trying to clean her mind, she close her eyes, this was for Stephen it needs to work! Suddenly she felt her weigh slighter. When she opened her eyes she was in the top of the trees. There! She could see Stephen’s circle! But seconds later, she fell. It was much more difficult to fly in this time line then hers. That can’t be a good think, she thought with a sigh.
Pushing the insignificant thought of her mind she ran toward Stephen. For her surprise it was much far from what she thought, she has been running for ten minutes and haven’t got there yet, what was nearly impossible because she was suppose to run 5 times faster than any human. “Stop thinking about insignificant stuff!” she s creamed to herself. That was one of her worst problems…
While running her vision started to blur and she was feeling dizzy. That have never happened to her before, she thought frightened. This time line needed to be doing horrible things with her system. “Keep going, he’s close” was the only thing she could bare to think. “K-keep g-go…” she needed to stop.
She sat in one big tree near her. How could this be happening? What have they done, to this to happen? Her head was beating, actually all her body was since she had opened her eyes. This time line probably has a different pressure, she thought trying to get into a conclusion. “Breath Fawn, breath.” She told to herself. Probably the same thing that happened when she tried to fly was happening again. Seems like in this time line she needed to concentrate to do things right, it didn’t come naturally, as usually happen in her time line.
Recovering her energies, she started running again. She was close to Stephen. She could feel it. “Stephen!” she cried out for him.
“F-fawn? Is that y-you?” the boy’s voice came in response, not to far from her. “Yes! It’s me, I’m coming.” She said almost without breathing. When she finally found him, he was still laid down in his circle, without moving one muscle. He seemed all right. His big blond hair all messy around his head, his face more pale than usual, what was quite impossible, and his eyes shut.
Fawn couldn’t help but smile. Although her brother was in the floor looking miserable, she knew that he was fine, and things will get all right.
She sat up next to him petting his head. “Stephen, you can open your eyes, it will be all right.” She whispered. That scene probably felt kind of bizarre. Fawn was the older sister, but she was really tiny, about 5’2, with a long blonde hair, looking as girly as any creature of any time line could look like. In the other hand Stephen was the youngest brother, but he was a big guy, almost 6’0. But this didn’t mean anything to Fawn, she always thought responsible for him, as he was a baby.
“I can’t” Stephen said almost without breathing. “Of course you can!” Fawn responded trying to encourage him. Slowly he opened his eyes. “Ouch” was the first thing he was able to say. But Fawn ignored it and smiled “Hello there.” He looked at her with a dizzy look, but quickly changed his gaze for what was surrounding them. “Where are we?” he asked incredulous. Before answering Fawn took a deep breathe. How would she be able to tell her brother that they have felt, without making him freak out. “Well… first sit up and breathe a little and then we talk.”
For her surprise he obeyed with no complaints. While he was getting up to sit, Fawn had the time to really look at him. He seemed devastated, even more than her, if this was possible. She closed her eyes to think better, what could she do now? They needed to get a way to get out of that place. She wanted to cry only to think about it, the human’s time line. It wouldn’t have any worse time line for them fall. The humans were the only time line that didn’t know about the others. While the others lived “together”, I mean separate, but knowing about each other, the humans lost their connection. And now they only know about the reality of themselves, how would they explain to this time line that they are fallen heavenlies?
***
Stephen breathed slowly trying to understand the situation “So you are saying that we are stuck into this time line with no way of getting back?” His mind was burning. How could they fell? They haven’t done anything wrong. He wanted to scream, but suddenly Fawn broke his thoughts “I didn’t said we have no way of getting back… I said I don’t know a way.” She said looking at the ground nervously. He knew she hated it, not knowing what to do. Fawn was always one of the most intelligent people of their time line, what means she hates not to have things in her control. She was about to freak out, he thought. “Well, that’s much more relieving!” he said with sarcasm, already regretting his words.
“Look it wasn’t my fault, ok? You think I asked for this?” she said screaming. How wonderful, now she’s angry. “I know, I know. I’m sorry, ok? I didn’t mean to say that.” he responded trying to make her calmer, but she didn’t answered, just sit down and closed her eyes. Looking at his sister he only got more scared, if Fawn didn’t know what to do, they were probably in a pretty bad situation.
He looked at her ready to say something, but then got it back, she seemed too concentrate to be interrupted. He looked at the sky and thought about what his sister had said, about not being able to do things very well in this time line. This just made him hate this place even more. He was never an intelligent guy, this was Fawn’s job in their family, and he was more sportive. Not being able to do any of the things he was good at, would only make him more useless than usual, he thought with a sigh.
Interrupting his thoughts of how miserable he was, Fawn screamed, “I know what to do!” Stephen looked at her curious “Something happened to break the humans connection, right?” he nodded trying to follow her mind. “Well… that means someone knows how it happened, got it?” he looked at her not really getting her point “Well, yes I got it, but what does this have to do with getting back to the heavenly’s time line?” She looked at him, with a face saying, ‘how can you be so stupid?’ “Look little brother, if something broke the connection it means that something can get it back!” she said with a slow voice. “Brilliant!” he said opening a big smile, and Fawn laughed about his excitement.
“Wait a minute!” Stephen said quickly “How will we know, how to restore the connection?” he said, hoping it wasn’t a stupid question. But it didn’t seem like it, because Fawn needed a little time to think. “Well, I’m not sure if it will work… But there’s an old heavenly’s family that came to the human’s time line, to study how the connection broke. And they keep sending us books about it, so I guess there is a way to restore the connection.” Stephen was looking at her incredulously, how could she know about this stuff?
“Well, this sounds like a good plan. And what’s the family’s name?” he asked curious “Chevercourt” she answered almost without thinking. Stephen took a deep breath and said, “So, where will we find them?” Fawn took a little time to answer the question, looking as she was having difficulty to remember some fact. “San Francisco… Yes, San Francisco!” she sad firmly. “Of course it would help a little if we knew where we are.” She said looking around.
“Anyway we won’t find it, if we stay here doing nothing, right?” Stephen asked smiling at his sister. “Right, Right.” She said smiling back at him “So let’s go!” Fawn said jumping from the ground. “So where should we go?” Stephen asked again. “I have no idea.” Fawn replied sincerely. “Well… Since nothing is going right, let’s go to the left.” Stephen said, feeling kind of smart for his quick answer and turned left. Fawn quickly was beside him following.
***
They were walking for nearly half an hour and nothing. They didn’t find any remnants of a human city, but they weren’t in the mood to give up that fast. And they were so full of that little hope of finding a way to get home, that they haven’t even realized how tired they were.
“Fawn! There!” Stephen screamed pointing at a trail, where had a plaque saying ‘Yosemite National Park’. Fawn was looking at the slab without blinking trying to remember if she had already heard that name, but nothing came to her mind. “So do you know where we are?” Stephen asked her with his eyes full of hope. “Any idea” she answered looking at the ground not wanting to see his expression. “But let’s follow this think!” she added before her brother could reply anything.
One more time absolutely silence. None of the brothers would say a word. They just walked side by side. Fawn’s mind was burning, so many things were assign throw her head. What if they were too far from San Francisco? Or if they would need to spend the rest of theirs lives in that time line? She didn’t know what she was doing anymore. Pressure, she thought. She truly needed to work with that problem. But suddenly Stephen interrupted her thoughts. “There are some people there.” He said pointing to the left.
She quickly followed his gaze. “I think… Well, I don’t know, let’s go there” she said without thinking twice. There weren’t a lot of people there, but there was something strange, big metals things with roads with different colors. She suddenly ignored the object that wasn’t important for any of them right now and looked around. There were some small wood houses around the place with some people inside them, looking like policemen. “Let’s talk to those people”, Fawn said calling Stephen. He quickly nodded and followed her.
“Excuse me sir” Fawn asked trying to be as polite as she could. “Yes?” the man replied at her with a strange look. Only then she realized that they weren’t looking as any of the other humans. Fawn was wearing a long white dress, which was so white that, seemed to be almost blue. It was one of her favorites, but now was all dirty, just like her hair. Her brother wasn’t much better also. He was with a white tunic, that was dirty too right now and his blond messy hair was falling into his eyes. Fawn blushed with the thought of how displaced they were, but she thought that would be better ignore it.
“Is this place close to San Francisco?” she asked to the man. “Yes it is, 176 miles away” she looked at Stephen smiling, who was smiling back as bright as her. “Do you know how much time it gets to get there?” she asked, still smiling. “About 3 or 4 hours by car” he said not returning her smile. Fawn thought a little and then said, “What about walking?” The man started laughing. “It’s impossible to go there walking!” he replied, still laughing. “But I can get you a Taxi if you want” Fawn didn’t really know what a Taxi was, but if that would take them to San Francisco she wouldn’t say no. “It would be perfect.” She answered, but this time not smiling.
The men went to the middle of the house leaving the two alone. So the both went sitting in a guardrail, near the small wood house. Everything around was so strange, she thought. Fawn started looking at the humans one by one. They were all too scandalous. In the heavenly ’s timeline everyone walked in white, because they think using colors is a way of calling attention to yourself, which means; trying to be better than the others. But observing better this seemed to be the intention, all of them talked loud with fake smiles in their faces. These actions just didn’t make any sense for her, it was too different from her timeline, where selfishness was one of the worst things a heavenly could do or even think.
“The Taxi will be coming soon,” the man that she had talked later screamed to them, interrupting her thoughts. “Thank you” she said in response. She quickly looked at her brother to see if he was alright, but seems that he was doing the same thing as her; analyzing the humans. “Having fun?” she asked giggling. He looked at her like she had just waked him up. “Actually… yes” he said with a little laugh, “this kind is weird don’t you think?” he added. She looked at the humans as if just to check out “Yes they are.” She said now hundred percent sure.
“Someone asked for Taxi?” A man inside one of those metal things, which they had seen before, asked them. “Yes we did.” Stephen replied before Fawn could even look at the man. “So what are you waiting? Enter!” Stephen looked at her, shrugged and then enters at the thing. Fawn didn’t think it was the best idea in the world, but was the only think they had so she entered with no complaints.
“Where are you two going?” the men asked them roughly starring at their clothes. “San Francisco” she replied quickly. The man didn’t said anything more and started driving. She looked at Stephen just to see something that she was used to. Right now Fawn wasn’t doing anything. And unfortunately she had time to realize how tired and afraid she was. That hours have pass like a blur in her mind nothing connects. It still seems like a bad dream, and she truly hoped it was.
She started thinking about the stuff that she hadn’t had time before, for the most important example, her parents. They were probably freaking out. Just like everyone in her timeline, they were calm and peaceful people, but right now she could truly see her mother’s face change into horror. A shot of pain came to her heart. Would she be able to see her parents again? Her home? All those sympathetic people from her timeline? She wouldn’t be able to stay in that place forever. She wanted to walk in the street and say hi to the people around her, to see everyone in white, everyone quite… She broke off. Before she could realize the tears were already falling from her eyes. And she couldn’t stop, but thinking the tears were like her, falling from a place they would never be able to come back.
Stephen looked at her worried. “Oh Fawn… don’t cry” he said while hugging her. She hugged him tight, Stephen was the only thing that was there to remember her of home, and the thought made her start shaking. “I’m fine.” She said with her voice fading.
The cabby looked at them throws the rearview mirror. “Is everything alright, with you two?” As quick as Fawn felt apart, she put herself back together. “Yes we are alright, thank you.” She answered smiling. “Good then. So where are you guys from?” Fawn wasn’t liking where the conversation was going… “Heavenly’s timeline” Stephen said probably without thinking. Fawn quickly gave him a punch in the stomach. “San Diego!” she screamed hoping the cabby hasn’t had time to listen to her brother. “Oh San Diego! What a lovely city, I’ve been there…” The driver started talking, but she decided to ignore, and looked at her brother furiously. “I’m sorry, it was the pressure,” he whispered. “Look, this can’t happen anymore, got it?” She said really low. He nodded and looked down avoiding her eyes. The two brothers stayed the rest of the trip in silence, just listening to the cabby, talking about San Diego.
Quicker than they thought they were in San Francisco. The two looked out at the windows flabbergasted. The city was huge. The buildings were enormous. They were just fascinated. They looked at the people walking fast, like they were dancing, with there brighten clothes glowing throw their bodies like something magical. Everywhere they looked, was something new that would make their minds blow.
In the middle of this chaos of thoughts the driver called them. “It’s 100 dollars kids.” Fawn looked at Stephen to see if he had understood, but her brother seemed to be as lost as her. “Excuse me, what do you mean?” Fawn asked with a smile. “Well you two need to pay!” the taxi driver said with an angry look. “We don’t have your timeline’s money.” Fawn said not really knowing how to explain to the man. “Listen to me child!” he screamed, “You need to pay this damn ride!” Stephen interrupted the two showing three golden coins from the heavenly’s timeline. The cabby took the coins and looked at them carefully, after some time thinking, “Okay, I accept it. Now get out of my taxi.”
The two were now in San Francisco. With all the hope of getting back home, dancing into their heads. “Where do we go now?” Stephen asked. “I don’t know.” Fawn replied, “Let’s just go.” She said taking a step forward.
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Hi Barbara,

There were a few similar mistakes, where you confused on, in, for and words like that. Figuring those out will also make this easier to read.
I'm eager to see what happens to Fawn and Stephen next!
This looks very interesting. You've got a great idea here, and I'm sure it's going to make a great story. As beginnings go, this was good. You've set the pace for the rest of the story and introduced the two main characters nicely. I feel like I can already understand the way Fawn and Stephen think a lot already. To make this even better though, there are a few things that need a little work.
I understand that they are angels. But that took me a while, and for half of the first chapter I was basically guessing! You need to mention this further into the beginning, before they fly, round about when they are talking about the human timeline.
What I also liked about this beginning is that there were no big information drops. All given information is spread across the chapter, so that I understand and am not overwhelmed. That's something most people struggle with, so good job there
Now let's go into some more technical things. I did enjoy reading this but there were some things that made it hard to do. You kept switching tense. Sometimes you wrote in present, and sometimes you wrote in past. I think you need to decide which one you want to write in and then stick to it. This can be difficult, but if you write freely and edit it afterwards, you'll get there.
Gender. Fawn is a girl and Stephen is a guy right? That means when you refer to both of them, they aren't brothers but brother and sister. I saw this a few times. And sometimes you used 'him' when talking about Fawn's actions. So look for those mistakes and change them out, because they confused me a little.
Now for the very last piece of advice! Little describing words. For example you put she "sat in one big tree", but actually I think you mean on
It was a good beginning, and it can become a very interesting story! You just need to write it of course
Deanie x
Hello!


Just dropping by to say this sounds like an excellent story and to offer some advice.
So your general story idea is amazing, really great. The only things I'd like to point out are the minor grammatical details and gritty wording expressions. Reading your story, they only appear occasionally.
Your first paragraph ends something like this 'She stopped thinking for some minutes, just to realize what was hurting.'
Perfectly fine concept, but the wording here is a bit twisted. 'To realize what was hurting' should be 'to check' or 'to feel' or 'to see'; realize is too awkward a term for something dealing with pain.
Second paragraph, you say 'throw' when I think you mean 'through'. That's easily fixed.
The sentence after that has an unnecessary comma behind 'doing it'.
This is your entire third paragraph: 'She stayed for some more minutes paralyzed, waiting to get forces to open her eyes. With one deep breath she opened her eyes quickly, thinking that this way wouldn’t be so painfully, but unfortunately she was wrong. The pain as quick as the wink came to her head, but she kept the eyes opened knowing that if she closes it, would be impossible to open them again.'
The first sentence has two parts to it that should draw some attention. The wording for the first part needs to be flipped so that it reads 'she stayed paralyzed for minutes', getting rid of the some more. The second half of the sentence is also a bit awkward, you might want to change it to ' waiting to get enough strength to force her eyes open', keeping the verb force. The body paragraphs are good; the last sentence contains an awkward use of the word 'the', which should be changed to 'her' so it reads 'she kept her eyes open', also changing the tense of opened.
The rest of your story is made up of the same issues, on the whole being great. I don't want to make all the changes for you or take away from your personal style, so I'll just say to watch out for those awkward wordings and small grammar errors like verb tenses and adjectives.
Keep writing!
hope you belongs to this time line
expecting enthralling ending
stupendous start