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Young Writers Society



Where The Heart Is: Chapter One

by ballroomdancer95


Chapter One: Johnny’s Death

“I just don’t understand why it ALWAYS happens to me! Every single time something bad happens, it affects me the most!” Jenny cried. :(

“Oh Jenny, Johnny’s death affected all of us. Yes, he was very dear to you, but I loved him too. His death was expected. He was very sick, Jenny.” Her sister Sarah tried to explain. :roll:

“No Sarah, his death didn’t affect you as much as it affected me and no you did not love him as much as I did. He was my twin brother! Not yours, MINE!” :x

“Please don’t blame this on me. He was very sick and he needed to die. He was going through very much pain and suffering. It’s better this way.” :(

“How long was he sick before you told me?” :x

“Oh Jenny, look how clean your room looks. It’s so much more pretty when it is neat and tidy. I just love what you did with it!” Sarah changed the subject. :roll:

“Don’t run around the subject Sarah! Answer my question! How long?!” :x

“Well, I don’t know, six months?” :?:

“Six months?! How could you Sarah?!” :x

“Look Jenny, I wanted to tell you I really did, but Ryan thought it was best that you didn’t hear about this until later.” :roll:

“Six months later? How could you? He was my best friend and the only person who cared for me. Now he is gone! I don’t even have a real brother anymore!” :x

“You have Ryan.” :oops:

“Oh yippee! Ryan! Just the person I want as a brother. He hates me!” :roll:

“What’s wrong with Ryan? He’s a great older brother.”

“He’s so mean and bossy! He tells me what to do and if I don’t he punishes me! I don’t deserve that!”

“No, but he’s just trying to help. Ever since Mom and Dad died he thinks it’s his job to take their place and I think he’s doing a fine job!”

“That’s just it! Ever since they died, he has tried to take their place! It’s just not right! Just because he’s the oldest doesn’t mean he gets to be Dad.”

“Look Jenny, it’s getting really late. We should get to sleep. Do you want me to stay in here with you tonight?”

“Yes. You sleep here. I’ll sleep in Johnny’s bed.”

“Good night Jenny. I love you.”


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Points: 1090
Reviews: 30

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Mon May 19, 2008 3:30 pm
happybear wrote a review...



Ballroomdancer95 (I like the name by the way)

Awesome work! The smiles to me are a bit disconcerting but that's just me, don't change it unless everyone else things so. Great stuff especialy for just starting! I kinda felt that there really wasn't alot there to crituiqe so I dont really have much to say on that part but WRITE MORE!

have fun on YWS!


The happiest bear you ever did see!!!
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571 Reviews


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Mon May 19, 2008 2:50 pm
Esmé wrote a review...



Ballroomdancer95,

Welcome to YWS (it’s an awesome site!), but…

I know that everyone wants to have their work critiqued - I do, too - but here at YWS we have a police of writing some for other people first, and the posting out own stuff. The general ratio is 2:1. But, if I wrote that, then I can at least comment on your story, yes?


From what I see, you’ve got very little descriptions, and a lot of dialogue. Dialogue is good, but you can’t leave out the former. Descriptions help the reader visualize, they show us the world of the story and are generally awesome. Here, I'd like to know more about the characters. I'd like to know how they looked like, etc.


Quote:
He was very sick, Jenny.” Her sister Sarah tried to explain.
Punctuation. It should be: “He was very sick, Jenny,” her sister Sarah tried to explain.


Why? Because the tag (un-dialogue sentences) refer to the dialogue sentences. Sarah is “trying to explain…”. That is a description of the dialogue. Yeah, well, it gets messy when I try to explain anything. There was a very good article on the subject, and probably roams around here, somewhere.


Smileys? Hmm, original, yes? You don’t see them in every book.



Well, thanks for posting, welcome, again, to YWS, and don’t forget to crit others’ work as well. Cheers,
Esme





Follow your passion, stay true to yourself, never follow someone else’s path unless you’re in the woods and you’re lost and you see a path then by all means you should follow that.
— Ellen Degeneres