I come out of the taxi that just arrived to the place where we both agreed to meet. Sun shines right to me and instead of hiding from it, I take my sunglasses off; I want to be opened to this world and embrace everything it gives me in this moment. The summer wind is playing with my dress swaying it a little bit up and down and the lilac tree, growing in this park contributes to this place its unforgettable smell. My eyes quickly scan the park seeing children playing with each other, grandparents sitting peacefully in the benches and some couples walking around. Suddenly, I see him. He has this purple shirt on him and white trousers and this moment made me believe one more time that purple suits him so well. Holding the flowers in his hands, he makes little steps backwards and forwards almost nervously, not noticing me. I can’t believe this is happening. It seems like only yesterday we were studying at the same school: me walking the corridor during the break and being shy even to look up and say: “Hi” and him standing so confidently there with his friend laughing and greeting everyone he knew. He looked gorgeous: his big brown eyes and the perfect features of his face made all girls stuck for seconds, and of course, he was aware of that. Many years have passed from this time, the life separated us to different parts and continents of the world but decided to connect again for some reason. And now, seeing him being and waiting here for me, I start walking toward him. When he notices it, raising his head up, the smile crosses his face and the light appears in his big brown eyes. From the distance, I can see that in the sun his dark hair gets various shades from the black to the light one. When I reach him, I understand that nothing has been changed since our school time: I have always been comfortable with public speaking but having only him around makes me still speechless and breathless. Looking at his face, I can see some changes: its features became more masculine and little puckers appeared, proving that he’s had not easy life during these years trying to succeed in career and built his life. But he still looks really gorgeous and I can just stand and watch him forever. The summer wind blows again bringing the aroma of lilac tree with it. Clumsily, he hands me the flowers as if just remembering he has it and we start walking around. I lightly press this bouquet to my chest, trying to suppress my accelerated heartbeat and act normal, hoping he won’t notice the way I secretly watch him. After several minutes of talks about unimportant stuff, I start feeling more relaxed and I can see that he feels comfortable too. We walk and laugh all the time and some people passing by turn around or greet us with polite smile. I feel so good in this moment, and, maybe it will sound silly and childish, he simply makes me fly without wings only by being here right next to me. When it gets darker and we reach the lilac tree, I can feel that the smell of it and the flowers I am holding got mixed, creating the delicate aroma that covers only two of us. Suddenly, he stands even closer, facing me and taking my face in his hands. I look right in his eyes which seem bigger than usual and watch him closing them, pressing his lips against mine. The flowers I am holding create a little distance between us but regardless of it, I can feel all his warmth that protects me in this chilly evening. When he pulls away, his eyes lock with mine and we stare at each other like that for several seconds. I feel scared that this fairytale may be over, but suddenly he pronounces the words that make all my doubts run away, the words that make everything that ever happened to me seem so meaningless and useless. “Marry me”-he sad, pulling me even closer than before. The big full moon start shining in the night sky full of stars and the summer wind stops blowing. The park that seemed crowded several hours earlier became empty and calm in one moment. The silence fills the air and everything remains so still that I notice only now that there are only two of us here. I softly kiss his cheek and say yes to the guy that is and has always been the only one in my heart.
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,804 Reviews
THANK YOU. I would like to do a review on this.... First of all, is your crush himself real? Like, are you in elementary, middle, high, college, university, job, senior, dead etc. Cos it doesn't say anything on your profile.
I just used elaborated grammar.... But back to the topic. What 'unimportant stuff'? Personally, I think that it should be the classic approach, talking about the weather. But today, I think it could be talks about how Donald Trump is bad, how ISIS is ruining everywhere, how Pokemon Go is abolishing boredness and constructing a new state of liberal ignorance, and other stuff like that.
The first 'impro' on your story is paragraphs paragraphs PARAGRAPHS. I used to have this problem, so my solution is to divide the quotes like this:
'I fancy that is quite obvious,' said Mr Cunningham gravely. 'Why, my son Alex had not yet gone to bed, and he would certainly have heard anyone moving about.'
'Where was he sitting?'
'I was smoking in my dressing-room.'
'Which window is that?'
Excerpt from Sherlock Holmes.
Anyways, this first bit is quite confusing. You said it was studying at the same school, then travelling 'many years'. Contradiction alert. Wouldn't you two have been like in your 30s by then? There is no clue to age, and nobody knows about this 'school', as I said above - what age?
Wouldn't he have noticed you if he was, as you stated, 'almost nervous'? I mean, he would have searched every square meter on the park as if it was the last thing he ever did.
The use of your terminology in the politically correct, or culturally sensitive, way creates a suspicion. To me, it's strange if somebody uses attenuated asseverations when it is probable that the traditionally easier method of uncomplicated vocabulary is sufficient for use of mental infatuation.
The bit when he asks for marriage is a bit extreme in this situation, I should add. It seems like sexual harassment at its average - you should add a little bit of foreplay (but not THAT kind of foreplay people do before copulation), like you sit down together and cuddle a bit, talking about the finer aspects of life - if you've read Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince, I'm suggesting like the bit when Ginny and Harry admit things to each other at Dumbledore's funeral, near the end of the book.
And the end - I think 'the only one in my heart' is also a bit extreme... What about friendship and parental love? You're missing the MOST IMPORTANT BIT. His PERSONALITY. What makes him so great? It leaves a sense of doubt for the reader.
Anyway, thanks! I hope you got something from this.
I found it hard to read.Why don't you try separating it into paragraphs, that would make it more readable.Other than that, I like it. Nice piece of work!
I found it hard to read.Why don't you try separating it into paragraphs, that would make it more readable.Other than that, I like it. Nice piece of work!
I found it hard to read.Why don't you try separating it into paragraphs, that would make it more readable.Other than that, I like it. Nice piece of work!
I found it hard to read.Why don't you try separating it into paragraphs, that would make it more readable.Other than that, I like it. Nice piece of work!
I found it hard to read.Why don't you try separating it into paragraphs, that would make it more readable.Other than that, I like it. Nice piece of work!
Hello, Steggy here for a short review!
First off, I'd like to say welcome to YWS! I hope you enjoy it here.
Right off the bat, I want to tell you, try to find paragraphs in your writing and not to have it in a big chunk like you have here. It happens and we hardly even realize it. In a first read of this short story, it doesn't have a message. In most short stories, there is some form of message to whoever is reading the piece because it relates to something in real life (this does apply to real life but misses the message part).
One thing I liked about this story is the description. You describe perfectly how much the guy means to the narrator, starting out with a date before going to a flashback to how they met and to finally the guy proposes to the narrator.
In the first sentence of this paragraph, I would shorten it to: I came out of the taxi to our favorite place. It feels a bit jumbled and the lack of proper beginning usually does not hook the reader into reading the rest of your work. It's always best to look at examples in pieces of literature with romance and see how it is paced/beginning. When you mention the sun is shining towards the narrator, we don't really know what the narrator looks like; you do tell us she has glasses and dress but what color is her hair? What does she look like? Those type of things can easily be important as to imagining what the narrator looks like.
The next sentence is a good message because it seems the narrator, to me, lives in a closed in environment that doesn't women be themselves because it is almost like character development for the narrator, and as I said, a small piece of information that she is restricted.
With this paragraph, you do a nice job with describing the weather around the narrator. There seems to be an ongoing theme with lilacs tree, as if it holds some meaning to the narrator. That's always a key part of storytelling; show emotions through something the narrator loves.
I enjoy the first meeting scene and how they are both anxious to meet each other (and I'm sure a lot of people could relate to that
You do a nice job of progressing to the the next thing, which is the last date before he proposes, though. There are some pieces of that paragraph that feel a rushed, like before. It's always good to reread your work, that way you can figure out small mistakes.
Overall, I liked reading this. For me, I don't have any personal experience with such a thing but it does contribute to ordinary life.
If you have any questions, let me know!
Steggy
Hey, Aleta here for a fairly short review. I'll mention a few things before getting into all of the grammatical errors and such.
First Impressions
Huge, huge paragraph. This is going to steer a lot of people away from reading this, and it nearly did for me as well. I don't really know how you expect people to read every single sentence of this as it would soon become tiring. Scanning over the piece, I had this impression of a la-la-la romance story that's generic. These types of romances are all the star-crossed lovers I've seen in books which have soon become an annoyance. It's alright for you to do this, of course, but I feel like it's been too overdone in literature.
Grammar
I don't really want to point out every single thing that's wrong here, so I just decided to rewrite some of it. Hope you don't mind.
I didn't rewrite all of it, but I did some:
I step out of the taxi that has just arrived to the place where we both agreed to meet. The sun glares upon me with a comforting warmth. Instead of hiding from the light, I take my sunglasses off. I want to be open to this world and embrace everything it gives me in this moment. The summer wind is playing with my dress, swaying it up occasionally. My eyes take in the park, seeing the children playing with each other. Grandparents were sitting peacefully in the benches and some couples are walking around. Suddenly, I see him. He has a purple shit on and white trousers. This moment made me believe that purple suits fit him so well. Holding the lilacs in his hands, he shifts back and forth on his feet nervously. I cannot believe this is happening. It seems like only yesterday we were studying at the same school: me walking the corridor during the break, too shy to say hi. I remember him standing there so confidently there with his friends laughing.
Words of advice. Be more specific at times. What place are they going to? What type of flowers is he holding?
Hey, first I want to welcome you to YWS!! This is a lovely little story and i hope my review helps you.
The boring stuff, Grammatical Etc. errors:
this should be at
I think you should add had in here
Just end the sentence at this point and take off the ed
This sentence is a bit of a run on, maybe separate it into two sentences.
This should be a comma
This should be says.
You have some great descriptions and I really am able to see the park and the people in it. Your descriptions of the emotions the narrator feels are also very strong and powerful. When describing you want to cover all the senses. You cover visual amazingly, you cover emotions wonderfully, but one you could add more on is hearing, maybe she hears those children in the park, or cars nearby? You want to give your reader all of their senses so that they can be fully immersed and thats why you should work on this.
The biggest issue I see though is that its all one super long paragraph. Breaking things up is important for two reasons, one so it is easier for the story to transition and flow, and second of all because readers depend on breaks so their eyes don't strain and they don't loose their place.
This is a wonderful story and I definitely enjoyed reading it!
Sláinte -Junel