Published October 20, 2015
Mother, Father, you do not understand!
The horrid stress you have put upon us
Has become way too much for any man,
And your nagging is only a fuss.
Teacher, please listen to us as we speak,
And note we are not simply spinning yarn.
Even you know we are considered geeks,
But mountains of work cause more than alarm.
We’ll get it all done, there isn’t a doubt.
With a lil’ less sleep from staying up late
We shall prove that we have just enough clout.
Still, an honest chance for rest would be great.
We always try hard, and tackle our load.
In the long run, well for us it shall bode.
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This is a really good start on poetry (better than any sonnet I tried to write when I was in high school). And I know exactly how they teach poetry in high school, so I imagine they told you that each line of a sonnet is ten syllables, but they didn't really tell you about iambic pentameter. If you're interested in the more structured poems that aren't free verse, I'd recommend looking into the different types of metrical poetry.
Another thing I noticed is that there are a few spots where some of the diction sticks out and feels awkward. In your second line, you use the word "upon" which, in my opinion, sounds a bit formal in the context. Same goes for the phrase "it shall bode" in your last line. On the other side of the spectrum, though, when you use "lil'" in the tenth line, it feels too informal to me.
I know it's extremely difficult to convey the meaning that you want to with a designated syllable count and rhyme scheme, but that's the beauty (and horrendousness) of metrical poetry. It's really just something you'll have to play around with until you find what works best.
Great job with the rhyme. Someone before me mentioned that the line about spinning yarn doesn't fit in with the rhyme scheme, but I disagree. I thought it was good use of slant rhyme.
All in all, keep up the great work. Poetry really is something that takes a lot of work to learn how to craft well, at least for me.
thanks for the comments! I'll work on making my diction a little more uniform. Our teacher told us about iambic pentameter (stressed/unstressed), but it's a concept I really don't get yet- I don't understand how something written will be read in the same rythem unless it's set to music. :/
Thank for the help!
I really think this poem is wonderfully written and I enjoyed reading it. To improve your writing I think you could have used a richer selection of vocabulary and maybe extended your piece to further convey the message. Although, I think this piece has a nice flow to it and was a good read. It is very relatable as well! Good job!
~Kala
Hello fellow YWSer! Gladdy here for a quality review~
Try to separate your poem into stanzas. It creates a sense of organization and it goes a long way. I would recommend about 3-4 lines per stanza for this poem, probably 4 would be a good idea. Although it may not seem like a big deal, trust me.
This doesn't match the rest of the rhyme scheme, but I do appreciate the time you put into creating a rhyme scheme in the first place. That's a thing to respect~
This felt like you were just looking for a rhyme here, which you were, but this metaphor doesn't really make much sense with the poem. "Spinning yarn" doesn't really have much to do with the issue here.
I like the poem, I found it a bit humorous. Nice work, but check it over and really spend some time on that rhyme scheme.
~Gladdy
Hello, priceofwords here!
This was a nice piece, it flowed really well and I appreciated the humorous parts you added in there as well! I particularly liked,
'And know we are not simply spinning yarn.'
I feel like I've heard that phrase before, so it was nice to jog my memory a little!
To improve, I would perhaps use a little more flair with your vocabulary. Otherwise, I wouldn't have noticed you hadn't written much poetry - this is great!
Keep writing!
priceofwords