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Young Writers Society



Eternal Ties, Chapter 2.3

by backroadstraveler


“Wow, look at him!” Clause cried as he bent over the creature. “What on earth did you get into?” Ezra watched in amazement as Clause practically slipped into a trance. He rubbed the beast’s coarse hair between his fingers and then traced the massive tusks. He started muttering to himself, so low that Ezra couldn’t even make out his words, as he knelt and began to rifle through his multitude of pockets.

Will’s eyes widened, and he silently caught Ezra’s attention. He cocked his head towards the scholar and slightly raised his hands as if to ask a question. Ezra frowned. He vaguely remembered Clause doing this a few times before leaving the castle, but Ezra had always left Clause in peace and found something more interesting to do.

“So you’ve never seen this before?” Ezra asked hesitantly.

Clause didn’t answer at first, not until he had dug out a loose piece of cloth from his breast pocket and some twine that was stored in his open-vest. “Nope,” He finally replied, still half-speaking to himself. “This is a new one for me, but I wonder if it’s got something to do with Damarian’s army.” He yanked a clump of bristles free. “Can I see that dagger of yous?”

“What would a boar have to do with Damarian?” Will asked as Ezra placed his dagger in Clause’s open hand. Ezra shot Will a look, but the boy paid him no mind.

“I suspected a bit of black magic worked into his army- there are a few apothecaries that would do the trick- for individuals. Personally I didn’t find it possible for someone to amass enough resources to sustain such a large army, though.” Balancing the cloth in one hand, Clause began to scrape bits of the boar’s tusks off. A fine powder trickled down into his covered palm. “Only, humans can’t use magic- so I dismissed the thought...” He frowned. “Shouldn’t have done that.”

“And the fact that the boar’s black makes you think this? Really, you’re going off of colors?” Will asked.

Ezra winced and took a step back as Clause halted in his work. He silently wished he had had the sense to send Will back to the circle- the boy didn’t know when to hold his tongue.

Clause’s gaze turned steely. “Why the hell do you think we call it black magic? No shit black magic leaves black marks behind. It’s literally dark, not just figuratively.” He thrust the blade of the dagger into the ground. and carefully began to ball up the twine. “You’re lucky it was just a boar this time. You think you’ve seen strange stuff now- just wait until we head a little deeper into the woods- a bit farther away from your civilization. Where we’re going, there’s going to be creatures even I have the sense to run from.”

Will’s face paled. He opened his mouth, but finding no words, closed it again and rubbed his neck.

“Why don’t you go back, Will.” Ezra said. “We’ll finish up here.” Will glowered at him, but silently turned on his heels and stalked off. Ezra knelt down and retrieved his dagger. “You didn’t need to do that.” he said softly.

“Magic isn’t a joke. You’d think he’d already have his head wrapped around that one.”

“You forget Clause, for most of us magic is a fairytale. Sure we know you’ve got your special herbs-” he added quickly, “-but magic, real magic? To most of us that’s the stuff of myths and legends.”

The two stood. Clause cocked his head at assessed Ezra as he tucked his samples away. “Not you, though.”

“No, not me. But my parents had more liberal views, and didn’t mind me hanging around folk others would consider odd.”

Clause didn’t smile, but Ezra could see the tension drain from his body. “Right then. Well, whether you like it or not, I’m going to be a hard-ass. I have to, or you three will wind up doing something that could get us all killed.” Despite his words, Ezra felt reassured.

“Fair enough, but have a little more patience with Will. It’s not like first impressions went over too well.”

“Alright, Ez. I’ll save the more lengthy discussions about magic and the woods for our break at the cabin. But we are going to sit down and have a frank chat, and I don’t really care who gets their feelings hurt over it.”

“Deal. Are you packed up here? Or did you need more… samples?”

“Nah, I’m all set. Let’s go.” Clause took one last moment to dust of his hands, and then led Ezra back to the ring.


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Wed Feb 03, 2016 10:25 pm
Mea wrote a review...



Hey there! I'm here for a quick review.

So, I'm afraid I haven't read the previous parts, so bear with me on that and feel free to ignore my suggestions if I wouldn't have suggested them if I had read the previous parts.

Overall, this is a decent part, if a bit short. There were really only two major things I had problems with.

1. Tone. The beginning lines of dialogue seems wildly off - it made Clause come across as a bit of an excited schoolboy, which he clearly isn't. Overall, the first couple of paragraphs seems too casual. Clause seems really relaxed, and then suddenly he fires up into this uptight person who's being really strict because he's worried about their safety.

2. I didn't really understand the whole discussion about the magic - if humans can't use magic, how come Clause can? And what's this about apothecaries being able to do it? Apothecaries were stores where people can buy remedies and other medieval cures, and sometimes potion ingredients if potions actually work with the magic system. However, I'm pretty sure that some of my confusion is due to not having read the rest of the story.

Finally, one nitpick. Ezra said his parents had more "liberal" views. No. That word does not fit in this context at all. That idea of the word "liberal" is a very modern-day construct, resulting from current politics and general first-world problems. People from a medieval setting would not use that word in that sense. They'd say that their parents "didn't care" or something like that. Normal people didn't use political jargon back then. Even if you want to make the case that they did, using the word like that still is likely to throw readers out of the story, so you probably shouldn't use it.

And that's all I've got for you! I wish you the best of luck on all your writing endeavors!




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Mon Dec 21, 2015 1:54 pm
LadyEvvy says...



Sorry it took me so long to get to this. I don't have a whole lot a commentary to give you, so I don't think I can make this a review, but I'll tell you what I did notice. Okay, here we go!

Yet another wonderfully written chapter! I still really love your characters and how you portray them, Clause especially in this chapter. He's angry, but it's because he cares. I just love characters like that.

"He thrust the blade of the dagger into the ground. and carefully began to ball up the twine."
I think you meant for this to be all one sentence. There isn't any punctuation necessary between "ground" and "and".

"Clause took one last moment to dust of his hands, and then led Ezra back to the ring."
This is the only other spelling error I found. You said "of" where you should have said "off".

Now that I think about it, I'm actually really bad at writing reviews... Anyways, hope this helped a little!




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Sat Dec 05, 2015 1:35 pm
tigeraye wrote a review...



hello. Jumping into this half-way through, plotwise I was a bit lost at both the setting and what was going on. This chapter, in essence, was nothing but a bunch of dialogue, so that's what I'm going to comment on.

Your best attribute is that you emote your characters very well. Their facial expressions and mannerisms come off as very realistic; I love the way you convey a show of stress. It's very good. Likewise, your characters share this certain bluntness to their dialogue and mannerisms that I enjoy; it's sarcastic to a sense, but not sarcastic enough to where it takes away from the story.

Unfortunately, while your dialogue isn't bad, all of your characters seem to act the exact same. So my suggestion to you would be just to vary their personality a bit. Think about real people and how it's hard to find two people who act exactly the same.

Things:

“Wow, look at him!” Clause cried as he bent over the creature. “What on earth did you get into?” Ezra watched in amazement as Clause practically slipped into a trance. He rubbed the beast’s coarse hair between his fingers and then traced the massive tusks. He started muttering to himself, so low that Ezra couldn’t even make out his words, as he knelt and began to rifle through his multitude of pockets.


I like that opening line, it's very eye-catching. I'd separate the first line from the rest of the opening paragraph though so you're not combining two character actions into one section; it's better organized that way.

Clause didn’t answer at first, not until he had dug out a loose piece of cloth from his breast pocket and some twine that was stored in his open-vest. “Nope,” He finally replied, still half-speaking to himself. “This is a new one for me, but I wonder if it’s got something to do with Damarian’s army.” He yanked a clump of bristles free. “Can I see that dagger of yous?”


I like the close-up detail that you provide. I'm unsure if "dagger of yous" is a typo or just his manner of speaking, but I'll point it out anyway ^^

I suspected a bit of black magic worked into his army- there are a few apothecaries that would do the trick- for individuals.


Were you trying to use ellipses here? erm, that styling annoys a bit, so I'll show you what you'd want this to look like:

I suspected a bit of black magic worked into his army -- there are a few apothecaries that would do the trick -- for individuals.


But I don't think it's proper to use two in one sentence, so I'd split this into two sentences

I suspected a bit of black magic worked into his army. There are a few apothecaries that would do the trick -- for individuals.


Will’s face paled. He opened his mouth, but finding no words, closed it again and rubbed his neck.


Like I said, you emote very well ^^

“Alright, Ez. I’ll save the more lengthy discussions about magic and the woods for our break at the cabin. But we are going to sit down and have a frank chat, and I don’t really care who gets their feelings hurt over it.”


This is that bluntness I mentioned that I enjoy.

hopefully you got something out of this review, sorry I couldn't comment on the plot. Keep going at it, don't give up !!






Thanks so much for the help!



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Thu Nov 19, 2015 10:27 pm



would really love a suggestion on how to change Clause's dialogue. I don't know how to capture his attitude when he's mad at Will without sounding too... modern




FallWolf says...


Hey Backroadstraveller =) Really looking forward to the next addition to your story!
On the subject of how characters talk when they are mad, people have some really funny ticks that you can show so that readers realize when they are angry. They flare their nose, sometimes they get really sarcastic (my fav angry tick to use on my characters!) or sometimes some characters get really defensive and blunt. Clause seems to me to be a guy who would get sarcastic when angry.
If you are still having trouble with your dialogue, maybe check this blog out: Helping Writers Become Authors. Here's a link: http://www.helpingwritersbecomeauthors.com/?s=dialogue
I use this site whenever I'm looking up some help for either other authors or myself!
Hope this helped =)
-FallWolf





Thanks! I'll be sure to check tha website out! And yeah, Clause is the sarcastic type, it's just difficult writing that for this setting- I can't use 'modern American' sarcasm




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