Published May 24, 2010
Cold fingers traveled the length of her bronzed narrow waist, an innocent mind becomes trapped with only a touch of his velvety soft kiss, his pure white fangs draw down only for a tiny sip.
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140,387 Literary Works • 673,143 Reviews
The language of this peice is absolutely captivating, it only needs structure and preferably more length and it would be beautiful. Your imagery is perfect and you have a way of catching many tiny details with very few words. Keep submitting!
Oooh. Nice. I really like this poem. It's...dark.
Keep writing!
Alzora
Hi,
You create a very visual image.
I'd change the layout of this to make it easier to read, for example;
"Cold fingers traveled
the length of her bronzed narrow waist,
an innocent mind becomes trapped
with only a touch of his velvety soft kiss,
his pure white fangs draw down
only for a tiny sip."
I'd also try expanding on this.
I think "velvety" and "bronzed narrow" are too much. I'd try simpler images, and aim for less cliched ideas than "soft kiss."
Hope this helps,
Jas
Hey, what can I say? It's a little...short. Also, the whole vampire thing is way too clichéd nowadays. Unless you can come up with something far different and original (which you can't do with as few words as you used here) then I suggest you try something else.
Still, it's very beautiful imagery.
Keep trying!