Published May 10, 2010
Roberto: Now what would a pretty one such as you be doing alone such on a day as this?
Sakura: There is nobody to spend time with today, everybody says they are too busy for me.
Roberto: I’m not busy today. I thought I would go find a tiny stream and do some fishing. But alas my eyes seek you and I no longer find that interesting.
She begins to feel a blush coming on and looks away. There is something about this boy.
Sakura: Now what would a gentleman such as yourself want to do with a boring girl such as myself?
He gingerly makes his way over to sit beside her.
Roberto: How does one so lovely find herself boring?
She giggles. You ask a lot of questions. What is your name?
Roberto: Why my name is none other than Roberto. And yours?
Sakura: I am named after the cherry blossom. Sakura.
Roberto: I like it, a lot. It’s…different.
Sakura: Thank you kind sir.
Roberto: You’re welcome.
She cannot remember a boy ever being so kind to her. All the others she had met before had teased her and picked on her horribly. This one was different.
Roberto: You look very far away right now, are you alright?
Sakura: Oh, yes, I am fine I was just thinking we could go see the play of Romeo and Juliet in the town square. It is one of my favorites.
He gives her an exasperated grin.
Roberto: You are one of those hopeless romantic kinds I see. For a pretty girl like you it would be my pleasure to escort you.
He picks up her delicate hand and drops a kiss on it.
Sakura: And you are calling me a hopeless romantic.
He helps her to her feet and they set off on their way.
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140,387 Literary Works • 673,143 Reviews
Hello,
This is such a short piece, and hardly anything has happened. It was a nice short scene, but I think we do need more back round just as the reviewer above me has said. We as the reader can only use so much of our imagination; we need to know certain details of a situation, but that also doesn't mean to info dump on us
If you have any question please PM me
have a great day
Tiffany
I enjoyed this scene fragment. It would be lovely if you could give us some earlier background to the scene - we have no idea what the era is, or who these people are, and given Sakura's unconvential name, the setting could make a difference. Some of the phrasing is a little bit awkward, such as here...
, where like me would probably flow better, but yet again, the era does matter. As it's dialogue, there's no issue with using contractions, and using them could help the dialogue sound less choppy - remember, write as people talk. we use slang and slur words and run them together, and we always have. The transition to the deepening of their relationship seems rather sudden - just remember, write as people talk, have them be natural and smooth. Just pretend you're talking to a friend.Good work!