Published November 30, 2009
It all began five days prior to my fifteenth birthday. My mother and I had been shopping for my cousins graduation gift. What do you get a cousin you haven't seen in like...years? Your guess is as good as mine. Anyway I had been wandering the isles not really looking I'd only come because if I hadn't I would have been stuck at home studying for finals. Every once in a while my mother would call out to me "Dear have you found anything yet!" my reply, a lazy wave of my hand. Honestly there was nothing here.Turning on my heel prepared to drag to mother out to fetch me lunch I stopped. Yes I know it's rude to listen in on others conversation but I was bored and couldn't help myself.
I stood with my back against the shelf and my head a tad craned over the side. You might be wondering why I would be interested in listening in on two elementary school girls conversation, I'll tell you. One held on to this mic thing made of pure genuine crystal it was beautiful the way it shone under the light. Not realizing that my hand was so close to a boxed barbie doll it hit the floor with an audible thud!. Quickly bending over I picked it up from the floor and get away before they could stop me. No such luck. "Wait you girl!,how much did you just overhear?"
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
140,387 Literary Works • 673,143 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
Anyway let's get right to it,
Hmm well this is an interesting place to start. We've got ourselves an oddly relatable and rather mundane task to start proceedings and I liked the way you handle it. You gives us just enough information for us to get the gist of what's going on and be able to relate to this person and understand the kind of situation they are in without it being so much information that this opening also become mundane. I think the way you have things get interesting there at the end of this paragraph is also nicely done as you really establish exactly why someone would act that way.
Oooh well that about as well for this person as one would expect it to go. I love the little hints you give there. I think we learn more than enough in that to figure out exactly how dangerous this could be an the interruption that comes there to give this person away seems surprisingly natural and not just put in there for plot reasons. The cliffhanger at the end there is also really quite nicely done I think. I definitely find myself wanting to read more now.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Kate
I get what it's like to just post a piece of something bigger... which I hope this is part of. I didn't understand exactly what was going on, but I'm hoping that there was something that led up to this part.
.
I liked the reality of your story. I can imagine myself with my mom doing the same thing. It was a little difficult to read however; adding commas and staying in the same tense throughout the piece would help. Maybe you should try reading it out loud before you submit it-- it might help you catch some of those errors.
Overall I thought your writing was realistic, and in that sense good. I wanted to keep reading so that I could figure out what the girl overheard. Keeping a reader enticed is an important attribute to any writing... so congratulations.
I hope you continue this so I can find out what happens
--
kawriter
Alright, add in the commas, and delete the "..." You don't need it there.
So add the bolded. The italisized is reapeating from the line above. Find another way to say it. Your story won't flow if you ise "I had been" in two back-to-back sentences.
Don't change tenses!
This sentence is just awkward.
Consider writing it like this: One held on to this mic thing made of pure genuine crystal, and the way the light shone on it was beautiful.
If you wrote it like this, it would be less confusing: I quickly tried to bend over, pick it up, and get away before they could stop me, but no such luck.
Okay, so delete the underlined and add the bolded.
So, you need some help on your tenses and grammar. Do you have something against commas? haha. You seemed to switch from the past to the present tense alot. If you like writing in the present, then do so. It would decrease the chances of changing it absentmindedly.
Overall, I think you should have explained more, and submitted more. I have no idea what is going on, and from the little piece you submitted, I'm not sure if I want to.
~Classy