Published June 19, 2012
This was absurd. I turned my eyes on the girl named Chelsea, her wide green eyes unmoving, her floral print pajama's wrinkled. The back of the smalll truck was shrouded in darkness, for the bars higher up that allowed some light through. James who was older than me by a year with dark eyes and blong hair slammed his elbow against the side.
"What the hell," he cursed.
I was with him in that thought. What disturbed mind had the gull the rip three teens from home and throw them in the back of a truck? As we were jostled about I kept my eyes on our only source of light till we came to our stop-wherever that was. The doors swung wide to the early morning sun making the three of us shield our eyes away.
"Any of you try to make a run and you'll surly regret it," a deep male voice said.
Another climbed in placing cuffs to our wrists and prodding us out single file. My bare feet hit the rocky dirt ground. I winced in pain.
"Start walking."
We were led through a black steel gate to a set of double doors. They opened to the smell of cigars and ranchous laughter.Was this to be our end?
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140,387 Literary Works • 673,143 Reviews
Hi, Baby!
This was an intriguing piece. You set the scene very nicely. There wasn't much to describe in the truck, and you portrayed what you could very nicely. I felt like I was in that truck!
I notice the grammar, again, is a bit off. It's best to get in the habit of your best spelling and grammar. That way, it becomes second nature to you when you're typing anything at all!
I found that a lot more could be done with this. I think this particular story really deserves a longer piece, or at the very least, it deserves more conclusion. When I finished this, I was unhappy because I didn't get even the slightest hint what was happening. I couldn't make any sort of hypothesis of my own! I leave this work without caring.
So obviously, that's bad!
I think building on more character would definitely help. Who are those teens? Why should we care that there are three of them? Why aren't there two or four? Could they see anything through the barred window above them? Like skyscrapers or street lamps? Any familiar sounds? How about eavesdropping on the drivers?
Try describing the building more. You can tell a lot about the person just be looking at where they live. Also, would a child ask if they're about to die when they're led into a room full of laughter? Confused! I would be curious as to what they could be so cheerful about while I'm standing there in cuffs. I mean, so rude!
And lastly, a little hint as to why they may possibly be kidnapped? Something small, like greed or slavery. Doesn't have to have a whole backstory. Hint at it, too! Make it subtle. I like subtle. I feel smart when I guess things correctly. :3
Well done, though. Look forward to reading more!
Keep writing!
Jabber, the One and Only!
Spoiler
Hey, BabyM!
You could even write like this-"James, who was an year older than me, ..." You should try to make things as simple as possible.I won't say much since this is a short piece. But I do have some stuff to suggest you and a little to whine about. Hehe! Just kidding. But I'd surely like to offer my views on this.
So, I think that the first line of this prose suits the piece just fine. This was absurd. At first, I couldn't understand what was happening but only the title helped me think that there has to be some kidnapping involve. It was a bit vague and the thing which made it this way was your writing. I couldn't picture properly.
Also, the way you started with Chelsea was a bit weird. I mean, there are more things to start this kind of a thing with, right? You might not get me but that's how I felt.
Besides, the thing you should have stressed upon was the fear the MC felt. You know, more than the situation being absurd it was stressful and scary. So, imagine from that point of view and add that kind of emotions more.
Overall, I think this story is interesting. I'm a big fan of such stories, about crime and all, so if you decide on writing more, do let me know. I'd be very much interested in reading more.
Also, I think there's room for improvement here. You could add on more details about the environment, the MC's emotions and the situation they are stuck in. I'm not sure if this is a prologue or not but even if it is there's not exactly any rule for length so you can increase it.
Your end was interesting. You sort of left us at a cliffhanger and I can't wait to know what happens next and where it is that these three people have been led to. Plus, you brought each of the three people into the piece and talked about them which will be helpful to the readers ahead.
If you have any questions, do let me know. This wasn't the best read but it can improve.
Hello, my name is Flow and I will be your reviewer for the evening. I'm guessing that this is somewhat of a prologue and whatnot, so I am going to review it as one. When I read a prologue I want it to really capture my interest and this just seemed somewhat dull. Your descriptions are very confusing at times and nothing really happens. When I imagine getting kidnapped I think of this extreme tightening of the stomach. That's what I want to feel in the prologue.
You don't really say much about the characters in this. You talk about Chelsea, but we don't know how the main character knows her. I would throw in a little detail about their history together. I wouldn't really start this with the sentence you chose either. I would start with them waking up. I assume they were knocked out or something, you don't just get a teenager into a truck easily. Then again we just don't know, I would put something in about that.
Description number one was about the truck. You describe it but how do they know that the truck is small or that it is even a truck when they cant see? I would start this with them being taken away, give those horrible feeling you feel when you know something bad is about to happen. Draw the reader in so they can't stop reading and then end the prologue.
James is described shortly but I don't feel this is enough. It's very short and rushed which makes it seem like it isn't important. I would describe how he looks in the dark compared to how he looks in the light or how you remember him.
The words you use in this seem like your trying to hard. Just let it flow like you are the character, don't force big words that don't fit in here.
Last of all leave something to keep us coming back. We always hear "Was this to be our end?" and nobody wants to keep reading that. Be creative, come up with something new and excitng.
Sorry there are probably a million typo's I'm typing in the dark, but I hope I helped. Let me know if you need anything.