Published May 23, 2010
I'm sweet
I can even be used as a Valentine sweet
Take a bite out of me
In a little time I will grasp your mind and make you mine
Did I forget to mention that my pretty pinks and blues are there to catch your attention?
So be wise because tiny hands can become very sticky if I'm not eaten very quickly
I don't mean for this rhyme to take too much of your time
Caution! Make sure you brush your teeth to make sure this delicious treat does not rot your teeth
Please watch me as i get whirled like a ballerina twirls as she travels the world
The carnival lights will only tempt you into taking a bite
So hold on with all your might
I'm only as sweet as a first kiss
Feel free to scowl at others when they find the smell fowl
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140,387 Literary Works • 673,143 Reviews
Hello Magic
First, I think it would be better if you would add some punctuations. I am sure it will make your poem better and more perfect.
Second, your grammar is good. However...
...the second "sweet" is not that okay. Maybe you could try other words like treats or etc.
Well, you some parts of the poem isn't really related to cotton candy, or should I say, you shift a bit. Like what Kaylyn says, there are many random, scattered thoughts. I'm sure you can work on it.
*Over all, the poem is very simple but very good as well. It's meaningful too. Keep it up!
-darkangel_05
Ok, maybe you should find another word for sweet to use interchangably. You don't want to use one word too many times, or end two lines so close to each other with the same word.
Your grammar looked ok, I didn't see any big mistakes as I read over it.
Alright, all in all, I think your poem is a little scattered. You have all these completely random thoughts and ideas that you can relate to cotton candy in one short poem. Find one or two things. There's also not really a rhythm going with your poem. Don't jump so suddenly from one topic to another. I'm sure with some rewriting and editing this poem can go somewhere. Let me know if ya need any help, I'd be happy to. This is definately a different poem. Good luck
-Kaylyn
Hello there, magic!
I'm not really good at reviewing poetry but I'll try my best.
Okay, this is a good starting line, maybe try to reverse the second word 'sweet', because you used it twice, which slightly ruin your rhyming scheme or the flow of the poem.
Good ending lines. Aside from the things I've commented and corrected, I really like this! I find this very interesting to read and quite funny.
Keep up the good work!
Peace out!
Umm... Firstly, just want to say that this was not what I was expecting to read. But that was half of why I liked it so much. I thought it was great, and a good choice of ideas. It's not something you would read a lot about, like fire, or love, or um... Well yeah, it's different.
But I did really like it. Especially the part where you said, 'I don't mean to rhyme to take much or your time.' I love irony. So for the last time, I really like this.