why is the heat so intense? why is my body getting so hot? why are you touching me like that? No, i don't want this to end.it is the most gentle touch i've ever felt. And the mark is still on my body. The same mark you made last night, it was painful but then it was blissful. i thinkk i found your sweet spot!!! :)
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140,537 Literary Works • 673,408 Reviews
Heyou!
Welcome to YWS, most importantly! I hope you enjoy your stay
Nows, onto the review. Firstly, this does seem a little too short. I think you should expound on the feelings you've already created. Other than that, I liked this. The opening line is good, drawing the reader in, 'intense' being such a strong word. Maybe it's just me, but I don't, however, really get what you mean by 'your sweet spot'. Are you referring to the narrator's toucher's sweet spot or do you switch narrator for the last line? It was just a little confusing for me.
An example of where expounding should occur (in my opinion!) I think are necessary. Ahem. When you say that the narrator's breathing is starting to change, it's implied that it gets heavier, but I believe it would benefit from being mentioned. Just stating that it changes seems sort of lack-luster/anti-climatic.
As for the rest, you should at least think about expanding on this core. If for nothing else, than merely to get more depth into the character. I do like the scene this creates (man that sounds perverted on some level... or maybe it's just me), and I think it would benefit from higher levels of detail (scents, sounds, maybe even tastes). Including all the senses usually brings a scene more to life. Just something to bear in mind.
Hope this helps, if not in this work, then in some future works! Keep writing. ^^
Your's truly,
-Life