Heartbreak

smorgishborg wrote:Takes too long to say too little.

Spoiler

baby096 wrote:I try to pretend,
I try to stay away,
But the more that I try,
The more I make mistakes.
You are the cool crisp morning,
And the warm musky dusk,

I like the imagery in the last two lines. How about keeping only those two? The other lines are all telling, and they just don't help make this poem readable.

You form the air around me and match my every breath,
Yet I find myself continuously tormenting you.
You mean the world to me,
Possibly more,
And still I keep showing myself,
Out the back door,

See, I like the first line, it's the most descriptive line of the bunch, because it doesn't come right out and say it. The thing about poetry- it's not meant to be opaque, it's meant to say more than you could possibly say by being forthright. That's why there's an art to putting more into a line than the sum of its parts. You're not doing that in general with this poem.

So if you can’t forgive me,
I guess I’ll understand,
Because I’ve asked too much of you,
But have given nothing back.

This is the point of the poem, and I felt like it should be cut. It's dead weight, because the language simply is terse and doesn't flow. You absolutely have to find a better way to say this. How can you show this? That's what you need to find out. You're telling it right now, and it's boring. I am in no way emotionally invested in this poem. Words on a computer screen, nothing more.

I wish I could turn back time,
But the hourglass is glued down,
And I just can’t find the strength,
To turn this frown around,
So how do you keep going,
When I feel it is the end?
Because I’m afraid my heart is about to break.
And honesty is important,
But maybe some secrets are good,
Because we hide them to save each other,
From the pain we know we’ll cause,
I know I’m not perfect,
And I really don’t try,
But the pain I’ve felt and caused today,
All makes me want to cry,
If I could prove my love to you,
I’d do it all today,
But is that even possible?
Because I think I pushed you away.

*sighs*. There's just not a memorable line in this poem. There are some that come close, some that have the veneer of something great, but you never let anything build or work together. It's a mishmash of telling, with enough occasional points of interest to perk up the reader. This is a poem that we are all destined to skim through.

This should be an emotional poem, and it just isn't. Emotion is the stuff of colors, sounds, shapes... not dense recitations, and heavy sentences. You need to give us something tangible, something we can feel and grab onto. You've given us words, words, words.

Very well written! *Applause* I loved the part about the hourglass being glued down. Beautiful. I love this poem!

~Rocking Writer~