Published March 13, 2008
**This is a short poem that I wrote for a friend of mine. Please tell me what you think of it.
My feelings for you have gone,
Banished forever as if never born,
Never again shall they ever show,
Lest I risk destroying my soul.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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140,831 Literary Works • 673,694 Reviews
Very nice. Short. But forceful.
Maybe you don't need ever. You already have the word never...
It just sounds a bit repetitive.
Alot of the 'S' sound...? I'm not sure but this line doesn't seem to run as smoothly as the others.
But I have to agree, its a wonderful poem.
Very nice
Peace V
This is solid, nice and true. It just shows that small poems can be amazing. I agree about it being telling rather than showing. Work on showing the first two lines at least. I like the use of 'lest' make it seem better. It fits with the pattern. Overall: Pretty solid just, show don't tell.
Good luck
VSN
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Listening to: Serj Tankian - The Unthinking Majority
via FoxyTunes
I didn't like it all that much, it's not that it wasn't well written because it was, just it's too short.
Short but refreshing.
Yes, yes short but refreshing... mhm yes...very well done...
Oh yes uhmm, yes exscuse me..
*keep rockin*
-Meg
hhiiipppooo
Short to it's full potential
The only thing that catches me is that it seems the first line is missing a syallable and maybe a comma after "Lest I risk" for dramatic pause?
I really liked this!
although, short it got straight to the point.
very powerful.
great job!
Short but really strong. It was nice. I liked it a lot! Good job
[b]you tell. you don't show, and you need to get in there and use the five senses to help make it a little more original and interesting.
i really like this poem. you can definitely feel the emotion from that. that was powerful! good work!
I'd feel bad if my crit was longer than your poem. Luckily, that's neigh impossible. Great poem, I felt it deep down. I bow to you (*bows*). Keep up the good work, PM me if you need a crit or something.
~Corvin Vandra
That was a short peom with maximum effect. This could hit someone the same way as a long poem. I loved it
. It felt like it was comming from someone that is telling his/her girlfriend/boyfriend that they are finished toying with their emotions. Good Job!
This comes to show that even the smallest poems can be good. I liked it. Keep up the good work! Write more please!!
this was really cool. lest? i've never heard of that word but shall look it up as i dont think someone would just write a word they made up lol.
dont ask me about grammar etc cos im crap at that lol
Mimi