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There was a little girl.

by azntwinz2


There was a little girl. This little girl was on top of a mountain. The mountain was rough and hard, but it was tame underneath her feet. The little girl was wearing pink little ballet slippers. The pink little ballet slippers the little girl was wearing were worn. They were perfect pink little ballet slippers because they were worn.

There was a little girl. This little girl was on top of a mountain. The mountain was green and luscious. The little girl was wearing nothing at all. Her tiny pink little toes burrowed into the dark green moss that covered the rough and hard mountain. She wasn't wearing anything but she was holding onto a looking glass. The looking glass was a long, golden cone. It had not tarnished despite the rough and cold mountain winds. It shined brightly with the sun's loving embrace.

The sun lovingly embraced the golden looking glass, playing off its smooth, smooth surface. The girl was mesmerized with the golden looking glass. It was beautiful. The golden looking glass became vain from the sun's loving attention and grew hot-headed. Now it burned like smooth fire. The girl yelped in pain and dropped it.

There was a little girl. This little girl was lost in a mountain. The mountain was green and luscious but it was also rough and hard. The little girl was wearing nothing at all. Her tiny pink little toes were bruised and scraped from the hard granite of the mountain. She wasn't wearing anything, but she was holding onto a broken looking glass. The looking glass looked like a relic of old, its golden luster belonging to many years ago. The little girl looked through the looking glass but it was broken and the glass was shattered and so were her hopes.

There was a little girl. The little girl was at the bottom of a mountain. The mountain was tall and impenetrable. There was no way in and no way up. The little girl was wearing a soft, velvet dress of a creamy pink color with the most adorable pink little ballet slippers. The girl was fully clothed but she was also fully bare. She had not tamed a mountain with perfect pink little ballet slippers nor had she possessed a looking glass of immense foresight that burned the arrogant nor had she experienced the fall of failure or the helplessness of being lost and forlorn.

There was a little girl. And that is all there was.


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933 Reviews


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Sun Apr 20, 2014 5:06 am
Iggy wrote a review...



Greetings! You're my 650th review. :)

Okay, so please oh please tell me you meant for this to be so repetitive and tedious and reiterating the same thing over and over? Because if you did, then it's actually very genius of you. xD I'm positive you did this on purpose, so yay, I don't have to comment on serious things like "Why would you do this?! Bad grammar! Write gooder!" and such.

The strongest thing for this was the imagery, because holy cow, this was beautiful. Lots of strong sensory details, here. I loved it! While you boringly went over the same thing over and over, you used some pretty descriptive words to spice it up and balance it, so it wasn't too much of a struggle to read. :P

I love the description of this girl and her adventures and the places she winds up at with a lack of clothing or descriptive details of her clothing. The ending was especially nice.

Overall, this was very well written and I enjoyed reading it very much. I'm still not sure if this was meant to be silly or serious; if serious, then I apologize if I insulted you. But really, it was very good! I liked it. ^^ Keep writing stuff like this.

Hope that helps!

~Iggy




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Thu Apr 17, 2014 8:28 pm
MilesMcCandless wrote a review...



Okay, that was excellent! Here is my review, hope it is helpful.
Mostly on the repitition: it is great in the rhythmic, lilting aspect of the piece, but i would advise you to step outside of that structure into more open-ended sentences. Less parallel, more greater-than-symbol, sentences would free up any congestion in the meaning of the work.
Great overall, thanks!




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Thu Apr 17, 2014 4:38 pm
TheFlamingonator wrote a review...



Wow. This poem became very intense very fast.

I read it as a sort of metaphor for life. A brave young person who does whatever they please, and give everything away to get what they want, only to then lose that and have nothing left. The flashback is a representation of their younger self, innocent and naive, wishing they could do what they want to do.

Depressing but at the same time beautiful. I loved that you pointed out her pink ballet shoes, I found that it was a sort of way of saying that anyone (even the ones who wear pink ballet slippers or is 'different' somehow) can achieve a lot in life.

Keep up the good work :)




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Thu Apr 17, 2014 8:04 am
TexanMorrell wrote a review...



A PRISMATIC PRESENTATION OF PINK SHOES

Labeled as a short story, this poetic snap shot of a little girl, or maybe several little girl's, (or maybe just the one girl over different time periods), is a beautiful reflective piece on what could potentially be a mountain side worth of talking points. So, strap on whatever footwear your comfortable hiking in to climb through "THERE WAS A LITTLE GIRL"...

THE HOOK -

In case one was under the impression that the title was misleading, there is in fact a little girl. Perhaps metaphorical, maybe it is literally just one little girl, this piece is almost certainly feminine. If at any point the reader begins to feel that the writing style feels like tiny little repeating steps forward, I would implore them to remain calm, and acknowledge that style maybe intentional and in fact is a benefit to this particular tale.

THE STORY -

Trying to read this as a straight story may be difficult. Instead, viewing this piece as a song may aid the reader in adjusting to the particular style the author has chosen to use. To try and view this as a linear story also may be difficult as a traditional plot is sacrificed to give way to concepts that may include, but are not limited to; exploration, femininity, loss, feeling exposed, and coming of age.

Not that I want to light the powder keg that is the age old debate of author's intent versus the reader's understanding; I can only preface the rest of this review by stating that as a reader, this story has allowed me to extract a high volume of meaning from it. Regardless of the authors original intent, it says a lot when a well written, abstract story has a mountain's worth of themes to explore. Speaking of which...

The GIST -

My explorations tend to end in laughable disaster. Never the less, as a reader, I found some beautiful imagery in this work. I very much enjoyed that at the beginning the girl is on top of the mountain with worn slippers, even though the end implies perhaps she had not climbed the mountain. Was she only visualizing or imagining conquering her fears of transcending the often soft velvet like expectations put on women by society? Is the story simply told in reverse?

Despite the repetition, of which in nearly every story there is an abundance of anyway, the step by step lyrics cause one's mind to linger on there being more than just one little girl. There is a girl that feels more secure when she's not restricted by clothes, and is content when her shoes are worn but have taken her to the top of a mountain.

Sometimes, when one attempts to look too far ahead, the journey up and onward may cause one to burn with self doubt. Perhaps, that vision of ascending up a mountain can be broken, and when we find it again, the dream of climbing a mountain can seem like an ancient and lost cause. In that case, the last lines of Little Girl seem almost bitter, and sad. Still, there is truth that to many, looking at where you want to go can sometimes honestly be depressing.

Fortunately, in truth there is both pain and solace, much like in a critique...

THE CRITIQUE -

It is repetitive, which is what it is. It works, and is understandably necessary to the story. Some people are going to be turned off by it, and they're missing out. To my untrained eyes, this appears to be a pretty well polished draft of something worthy of submission to a monthly short story journal. Maybe have someone who is a grammar Nazi do a double check for any lingering spelling errors just in case.

THE END -

As my rule of thumb, if a piece of work can conjure discussion that is more than just the plot, and the A to B of a character's journey, you've written an excellent story. Clearly, this is an excellent piece of fiction poetry that would be a gold star to have on a resume.

Can't wait to see what else Azntwinz2 (what should read Strawberry Milkshake (see avatar for clarification)) has to add to the discussion. Great job! And, don't just keep writing, but write like your soul depends on it.





Education is the most powerful weapon which you can use to change the world.
— Nelson Mandela