“Go, arrange the candles, fast! Hey you, bring out the gift just in time, as I have told you, okay?” a lady in mid-forties instructed her servants. She wore a red gown and was looking for her husband. Th swift movement of her body, in unison with her eyeballs, could tell anyone the state of hurry she was in. A smile spread on her face when she found him.
“Oh Harry, where have you been? Everything going as we decided, eh?” she asked her husband who was attired in a black suit.
“Yeah darling, don’t you worry, everything’s as per the plan,” he assured her, firmly enclosing her hands inside his. He could feel the excitement she was in.
“Okay, now put out…”.
“Aaaa…..”.
A sharp shriek from the above floor drew broke into the melodious atmosphere. The couple rushed towards their son’s room. They knocked the door.
“Smells like burning.” Another shriek echoed the house and was enough to give goosebumps to anyone who might have heard it.
The husband broke open the door to find it engulfed in fire. The sight of their son crouched in a corner and screaming at the top of his voice, surrounded by fire paralysed them with terror.
A moment passed.
The mother started crying and shouting, calling for help while the father rushed to the nearest washroom. He returned with a bucket of water and was about to throw it at the fire when one of the guests held him back,“ Electric sparks can be a cause.” Knowing that this could be a possible reason and indeed a probable one, he dropped the bucket and rushed towards the room, going as near possible. He undid his blazer and threw it towards his son.
“ Son, wrap yourself with this,” but the young boy, crouched in a corner, was not able to look up, his eyes tightly closed.
Then one of the servants rushed in with a fire extinguisher and launched attack on the fire. He was followed by two of his mates. Together, they tried to pull the boy out of the room, but in vain, he was still shouting and no matter what,was not opening his eyes.
In the mean time, the firefighters arrived. The fire was controlled in a span of about fifteen minutes, which seemed like fifteen hours to everyone. The boy was hurried out of the room. He was still shivering, his whole body was drenched with sweat, eyes still not fully open, stains of tears on both his cheeks and his heart thumping hardly against his chest. Seeing his state, the mother got desperate and ran towards him and pulled him in his arms.
“I’m here now,” she said in a comforting tone, “everything will be fine” and buried his face in her chest.
“ Now look up dear”.
The boy opened the eyes for a split second to confirm if it really was his mother. Though, it wasn’t much of a time, she was able to sense the fear in his eyes that had turned red.
The birthday celebrations were canceled and the guests, barring a few relatives, returned.
The day flew by. It was night at its full darkness. Everyone in the house was sleeping, except the mother and the father.
“Harry, even today, Anwar did not let anyone sleep with him. I’m scared for him,” the mother spoke so hurriedly that the listener was not able to make out much of what she said.
“Calm down, darling, everything’s fine and didn’t you see that despite such a fire, Anwar is has no burns,” he paused,” isn’t that miraculous!”
“You don’t know Harry, I sensed something different in his eyes today.”
“It’s all your illusion, dear, so now sleep.”
A sudden shriek from Anwar broke the silence of the house. Everybody rushed towards his room. The mother hurried to his bed and tried to put him in her arms. His forehead as well as the whole body was sweating, his eyes closed, his whole body was shivering. Suddenly, his arms started trembling, his fists tight, “Go away, leave me ,go away!” he shouted in shaking voice, and his dream broke. He was in his mother’s arms. She saw the same red eyes again. It sent chills through her spine. Tears rolled down her eyes. His eyes widened, a strange smile occupied his space, he mumbled something, and again fell asleep. The mother who watched this closely started crying. The husband placed his hands over her shoulders and pressed lightly,” Tomorrow, we’ll be going to the doctor.”
No one slept that night in the house, except a few kids. The scary event had blown away their sleeps.
Next day, the couple took their son to the doctor. Throughout the journey, Anwar kept on asking why he was being taken to the doctor which added to the nervousness of his mother.
The doctor was made acquainted of the incidents that happened the previous day, before the check-ups he was to undertake.
After doing all the tests and talking to Anwar for about an hour, the doctor called in his parents. Only his mother entered the room.
“ Sorry doctor, Harry had to leave for some work.”
“Oh no problem, none at all. Please take a seat!”
The lady sat in front of the doctor.
The doctor began the enquiry,” Are there any such incidents before this one?”
“No, really none of them have ever happened since we came to be a part of his life.”
He narrowed his eyes.
“Actually Anwar is our adopted son. We found him some 14 years ago. I and Harry were on a vacation trip in Teronica( a hill-station) near an abandoned house. We waited there whole day for anyone to return but it seemed the boy was abandoned along with the home. Since, we could not have our own son due to medical issues, we decided to adopt him.”
“Does he know this?”
She nodded her head.
“Well, then in that case, I think that he considers the two of you as too high idols of his life that he will ever complain to you of any problem he faces.”
She dropped her head in her hands and took a deep breath,” So maybe, this is why he is so inexpressive.”
“Possibly.”
“But what all has it to do with his behaviours we told you about?”
“Actually everything, you may not be knowing that you son is suffering from pyrophobia.”
She raised her eyebrows.
“Well, a person suffering from pyrophobia is scared of fire, and by what I can see, your son is serious case and moistened.”
Her eyes dilated.
“Listen, Mrs. Harry, you have to hold the nerves. There’s a doctor-cum-psychiatrist in Japan and he is really good in handling such cases. I’ll mail you his address and other such stuffs. You contact him.”
She nodded.
“Okay, thank you doctor, see you then.”
She wore a fake smile and walked out of the cabin.
Anwar was looking out of the window.
The sound of her footsteps broke his reverie.
She embraced him and said,” You’ll be fine, dear and very soon”, more to herself.
Outside the window, the sun was embracing the horizon.
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Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
Problem here is that pyromaphobia, while being an existing thing, is not an excuse for the fact this guy was probably just scared of fire. And actionnnnnn. Although there is this little character development halfway, and at the beginning, afterwards there are only actions following actions, making our minds wander off a bit because of the unlikeness of the characters. Still, using fire (although I’m not sure it’s for this reason) as the thing which has brought evolution becoming a fear- is mEsMeRiZiNg.
But don’t lie telling me you appreciate what I’ve said, this was downright futile information for you. But hey, I’m commenting bro ^^
Hi @ayushinav.
The previous reviews have covered all the grammatical errors and typos. So I will not repeat them here. I only wish that you take out the time to edit this story and correct the typos etc.
Your story is intriguing. Many people seem to think that Anwar is a possessor of some supernatural powers. I think that the story is complete without any extra interpretations. It is rather simple. A boy who has a bad experience with fire, is frightened of it. He has a caring mother who is always worried about him. His father is a better husband than a father. Then it is revealed that he is the adopted son, which explains his reserved nature.
I would however prefer it to be more than that. There should be convincing facts to argue for Anwar's powers/curse. I would very much like to see this story continue into a part 2, perhaps we have a novel coming our way. I know for a fact that you like to write long stories, so I will not be surprised if this story continues. If that is indeed the case, I would advise you to develop this one and take it slower.
Thanks @GreyMatter for you review. I appreciate how you found a very simple dimension to my story and that shows where I lack in storytelling.I will consider your points in my upcoming works.
Hey there!
I liked your plot. You are doing great!
but there are some things I wish to tell you.
Well, the doctor said that the boy has a phobia because of which he is scared of fire. But isn't it obvious to be afraid of fire when you are stuck in a situation like that?
You didn't say how the fire was caught. I think the boy caused the fire, right? I mean does he have some superpower or something? I don't know maybe that's why his eyes were red and his mother found it strange? Na it was really weird that he was not burnt and this incident never happened before. Maybe he just started to show his powers.
I would also like to know if the boy is a teenager. Generally, teenagers don't want someone to sleep with them.
On the whole, it was a nice story. Looking forward to the next chapter!
Hello @maishaywca, thanks for your review. Some of your questions will be answered in the upcoming parts.
Glad that you noticed things. Also, your review added some more points that I had not thought of.
Hello @maishaywca, thanks for your review. Some of your questions will be answered in the upcoming parts.
Glad that you noticed things. Also, your review added some more points that I had not thought of.
Hello @maishaywca, thanks for your review. Some of your questions will be answered in the upcoming parts.
Glad that you noticed things. Also, your review added some more points that I had not thought of.
Hello @maishaywca, thanks for your review. Some of your questions will be answered in the upcoming parts.
Glad that you noticed things. Also, your review added some more points that I had not thought of.
Hello @maishaywca, thanks for your review. Some of your questions will be answered in the upcoming parts.
Glad that you noticed things. Also, your review added some more points that I had not thought of.
Hello @maishaywca, thanks for your review. Some of your questions will be answered in the upcoming parts.
Glad that you noticed things. Also, your review added some more points that I had not thought of.
Hello @maishaywca, thanks for your review. Some of your questions will be answered in the upcoming parts.
Glad that you noticed things. Also, your review added some more points that I had not thought of.
Hello @maishaywca, thanks for your review. Some of your questions will be answered in the upcoming parts.
Glad that you noticed things. Also, your review added some more points that I had not thought of.
Hello @maishaywca, thanks for your review. Some of your questions will be answered in the upcoming parts.
Glad that you noticed things. Also, your review added some more points that I had not thought of.
Hello @maishaywca, thanks for your review. Some of your questions will be answered in the upcoming parts.
Glad that you noticed things. Also, your review added some more points that I had not thought of.
Radrook here for a review. Please feel free to ignore any suggestion deemed unhelpful.
Also,if I offend, you have my apologies. Not intended.
Thanks for sharing story about a wealthy family who has an adopted son with psychological problem which the doctor describes as pyrophobia. a fear of fire.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pyrophobia
I like the drama the story creates by describing the reaction of the child? Teenager? Young man? to the fire along with the deep concern of the parents.The mother’s worry is also effectively conveyed. The father seems more distant. The reason for the difference might be revealed later. I also like the way that you used the strange redness in the eyes to foreshadow something sinister beyond mere pyrophobia.
Suggestions
A much slower pace with more details such as physical appearances, reference or description of the location, would have been nice. Otherwise the reader can’t visualize how the people look or how we want them to imagine they look.
.....your son is serious case and moistened.” ?????
A sharp shriek from the above floor [drew] broke....
In the mean time, .... [meantime]
Th[e] swift movement of her body,....
“Go away, leave me [,]go away!” [Go away! Leave me alone! Go away!]
“[E]verything will be fine[.]”
....shoulders and pressed lightly[.] “Tomorrow, we’ll be going to the doctor.”
....relatives, returned [home].
The boy opened [the] eyes
The word “eyes" occurs sixteen times and sometimes too close together.\
The word "scary" makes the author come across as a child or young adolescent.
All in all a very interesting read. Looking forward to reading more of your work.
Thanks for your review. While some of the errors you pointed out were typos( but that will be taken care of the next time), some were really the ones that will prove beneficial. I will take note of what you pointed out and I will not disapoint you in the next part.
Not disappointed. It was an interesting read.
@123pinkrose has the grammatical side of the story covered, so that won't be my main focus.
would probably require an exclamation mark instead of the ellipses.This story has some potential, and it only needs a few tweaks to set it going in the right path. In the beginning, I believe that you could've set the mood up longer, building up for the lady's son's moment of burning. And if you said he reacted with a shriek, then
The pacing of the story is very fast and I feel like it could've been a little slower. At the same time, though, you describe the story's action very well using a strong vocabulary. Your dialogue is very realistic - You can expect from a well-off mother.
Last thing, you have us hooked on the fact that the boy didn't burn. What happens next? Anwar recovered and all, but does that mean something more?
Manilla out.
(Disregard any comments you think do not help.)
Thanks a lot for your review @manilla. I appreciate how you went through my work. I will consider what you pointed out and make sure that appears in the upcoming part.
You are very welcome ^^
I really like this so far. From the beginning this story really grabbed me and would not let me go. I love the final sentence in particular it portrays some nice imagery.
All parts that need to be corrected are grammar or spelling related.
Like in the first paragraph "the" is missing an "e".
Another thing that needs to be fixed is "They knocked the door" is missing "on" before door.
Another grammar error is "Anwar is has no burns" needs to have the "is" taken off of it.
Another thing that can maybe changed is "you may not be knowing that you son is suffering from pyrophobia." It would sound much smoother if it is changed to "you may not know".
Also "your son is serious case" can be changed to "your son has a serious case" because like the suggestion before it sound smoother.
But other than a few grammar and spelling errors I think this is really good I am already wondering what may happen next and I am excited to read the next part of this story.
Thanks @123pinkrose for your review. Some of the errors you pointed out were typos( but this won't happen the next time) while rest all would be noticed. Also, I won't let you down in the next part.